Senseless Nonsense
by Haveyouseenmyghost
Summary: What do you think would happen if you prank called Wesker? Well, me and a friend decided to prank call random Resident Evil characters. Please review. Sequel's and such are going to be under the same title.
1. Prank Calls

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Resident Evil. If you are reading this thinking that I think I do, you're a freak. Yes, you. You're a freak. You are a freak. _

**Me (Nikki) and my friend, Julie, thought it would be a fun idea to prank call some characters from Resident Evil. But, is it really worth the death-threat and such? Hell yeah!**

First up, I called Wesker.

Nikki: (phone rings)

Wesker: (answers phone) Hello?

Nikki: Oh, hi! I was just wondering when the baby's due?

Wesker: (pauses) Wrong number.

Nikki: Wait! Albert Wesker? Yeah, you're supposed to be pregnant. So when are you due?

Wesker: (long silence)

Nikki: Hello?

Wesker: I have no idea who you are, or who put you up to this, but call me again and I'll make you regret it. (hangs up)

**After he hung up, I continued to call him repeatedly, even though it was painfully obvious that he was ignoring me. Until…**

Wesker: (answers phone) What do you want?!

Nikki: I want to have your babies.

Wesker: Er…

Nikki: Please? You can name them!

Wesker: (uncomfortable silence, then hangs up)

**Then Julie chose to call Leon.**

Julie: (phone rings)

Leon: (answers) Hello?

Julie: Hey, pretty boy!

Leon: Dammit! Another fan girl. (hangs up)

**Despite the shortness of that one, it was still my turn. Look who I called!**

Nikki: (phone rings)

Billy Coen: (answers) Who's this?

Nikki: You're worst nightmare.

Billy: Rebecca?

Nikki: Nope.

Billy: Well, who is it?

Nikki: Must I tell?

Billy: Yes.

Nikki: Okay. I am…Me.

Billy: Well, then, "me", if you ever call me again, I'm going to shove a grenade up your ass. How do you feel about that?

Nikki: Sounds fun!

Billy: (hangs up)

**Touchy, isn't he? All right. Ju-Ju-Budder's turn! (by the way, I risk bodily harm by calling her that)**

Julie: (phone rings)

Ada Wong: (answers phone. Ada here.

Julie: Ada! Are those rumors about you true?!

Ada: What rumors?

Julie: About you and Krauser!

Ada: Oh my god, he told everyone…It didn't count, I was drunk!

Julie: (mouth gaping open in shocked silence, no, you're not missing anything, she was joking about the whole rumor thing, but apparently Ada wasn't)

Ada: Hello?

Julie: (slowly hangs up phone)

**Then, I decided It was my turn to call the "pretty boy) Marty Stue, Leon.**

Nikki: (phone rings)

Leon: (answers) Hello?

Nikki: Hola! Como estas?

Leon: (freaks out, there is a loud noise and the call is ended by what can only be described as Leon shooting his phone)

**Well, while I was trying to recover the hearing in my right ear, It was Julie's turn again. **

Julie: (phone rings)

Chris Redfield: (answers In hushed voice) Anne, I told you not to call me in the evening! I'm with Jill; do you want her to know about you?

Julie: (shocked silence, yet again, and slowly hangs up, yet again)

**Looks like Julie's having a bit of bad luck today, eh? Anyways, I've gained partial hearing back in my right ear. **

Nikki: (phone rings)

Wesker: (beeping noise) I'm sorry, but the number you have dialed either does not exist, or has been disconnected.

**A/N**: Please review. If I do get good reviews and decide to continue this, it'll be something different every chapter. Even if you have a completely biased, hard-assed, Gung-Ho review, I would like to hear it. Any opinion in a good opinion!


	2. Letters to Umbrella

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Resident Evil or it's contents, and if you are reading this thinking that I do, you must be senile. _

**Author's Note:** I apologize beforehand for the lack of length, and general suckishness of this chapter. No, suckishness is not a word; I just made it up so that you can comprehend how horrible this chapter really is. But, rest assured that the next chapter will be bigger and better, and infinitely more entertaining. Thank you for your time.

____________________________________________________

**Dear Umbrella Corporation,**

I understand that you have some of the world's best scientists working for you, but honestly, how stupid can you get?

"Let's develop a fatal virus so we can sell it to other countries to use against our own country! Oh, and on top of that, let's make the virus fatal, and have it turn people into zombies! The kids will love it!"

Seriously, even if it didn't get out because of a terrorist beforehand, who ever you sold it to would have unleashed it afterwards!

**Sincerely, Nikki. **

P.S., Please don't hire hit men to come after me.

Thank you.

____________________________________________________

**Dear Nikki, **

Now, why would we hire hit men to come after you? Surely you don't think us that uncivil.

Sincerely, Umbrella Corporation

____________________________________________________

**Dear Umbrella Corporation,**

I am writing because I am dissatisfied with your product. The Umbrella Flea Collar I bought for my cat made its skin fall off, and now he's trying to eat my flesh. I like my flesh where it is, thank you very much!

So, I expect a full refund. Oh, and a new cat!

**Sincerely, Robert Owamahfalesh.**

____________________________________________________

**Dear Robert Owamahfalesh,**

We are sorry to hear about your minor inconvenience, but we cannot refund your purchase, as all sales are final.

If you were to read the fine print on the packaging of the collar, you would know that it says, "By buying this product, I accept full responsibility for any mutations that may or may not occur."

As for the cat, we suggest you get used to living with a flesh-eating feline.

**Sincerely, Umbrella Corporation.**

____________________________________________________

**Dear Umbrella Corporation,**

You people are the best! Finally, somebody invents a zombie that eats people! I have one question. Where can I get one?!

**Disturbingly yours, Amy Agosost. **

**Dear Umbrella Corporation, **

You suck!

**Anonymous.**

**Dear Anonymous, **

WE WILL FIND YOU

**Sincerely, Umbrella Corporation.**


	3. The Apartment, Part 1

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Resident Evil or Verizon. If you have read the disclaimers on the first and second chapters and still think that I do, then you should spend less time online, and more time in therapy, because there's something wrong with you. _

**Author's Note: **Once again, I apologize for how bad the last chapter was. Hopefully, this one will be much better. Thank you for your patience, and on with the show!

What would happen if you locked Leon S. Kennedy, Albert Wesker, Jill Valentine, Chris Redfield, Ashley Graham and Alfred Ashford in the same small apartment? Well, having thought of the question, me, Nikki, and my friend, Julie, went to find out.

Since Julie had Verizon, she had her People kidnap these six people in their sleep and drag them to the apartment we had rented just for the occasion. Ashley was the first one awake.

"Leon! Help! Help me, Leon!" she started shouting as soon as she was awake and saw Leon lying in a heap on the floor next to her. This automatically woke everybody else up.

"What the hell…" Chris trailed on, scratching his head.

"Where's my sister?!" Alfred panicked. Leon was currently seeing how far down Ashley's throat he could get his sock.

"Where are we?" Jill wondered out loud. 'And why are all of you people here?" Wesker adjusted his sunglasses, looking cool as always. Yes, he sleeps with his sunglasses on.

"Hey! Chris shouted, spotting Julie and me in the doorway. 'Who are you two? And why are you smiling?"

"I'm Nikki," I said.

"And I'm Julie," Julie said.

Wesker stared at me. "Do I know you?"

"No, no, I've never seen you before," I said, getting a feeling of nostalgia as I remembered prank calling him. Good times, good times.

"Did you two put us here?" Jill asked.

"Mmmphmphu!" Ashley said, sock down throat. No, I haven't any idea what she said, either. Leon had a satisfied look on his face.

"Yes, we brought you here," Julie said.

"Why?" Chris asked.

"Because," I said, "We figured it would be fun to find out what would happen."

'Well, now you do," Jill retorted. "Hey, why are my pants unzipped?" Chris looking away, whistling. Everybody stared at him.

"What?"

"Mmphmm!" Ashley scolded.

"I did not!" Chris countered. Jill slowly edged away from him.

"See!" I said. "Fun already!"

Wesker glared at me through his sunglasses. "Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?"

"I'm sure."

"Well," Leon said. "I've had enough of this." He pushed past Julie and me and found the door. We heard a rattling, then a loud thud.

"It's barred from the other side, Leon," Julie called. "So kicking it won't work."

Wesker stood up, suddenly unsteady on his feet.

"Yeah, we kinda gave you a mild sedative,' I said. "You know, we can't have you punching through walls…" I started backing away. He walked towards me, and I pulled a taser out of my pocket. He grabbed my throat and I tased him. It didn't hurt him as much as I had hoped, but it made him let go of my throat.

"Where's my sister?" Alfred repeated. Julie shrugged.

"We didn't think she's be as entertaining as you," she said.

"My beautiful sister is at east ten times greater than I!" Alfred complained.

'Well, I think she's a whiny bitch," I said. Bad move on my part. Alfred stood up and tackled me, my taser flying out of my hand, we hit the floor.

"Julie!" I shouted. "Tase him!" I looked up at her. She just stood there lau8ghing, unable to move. "Tase him!"

Alfred was trying to punch me in the face, but he didn't have a very good left _or_ right hook. When Julie finally collected herself and tased him, he scampered away.

"You hit like a girl," I said to him. "And Julie? No more sugar for you today."

"But I have to eat that chocolate bar thing-"

"No! No more sugar for you."

Julie scowled.

"So, when can we leave?" Chris asked.

'Twenty-four hours from now. By the way, nice pajamas," I added. Chris's pajamas were baby blue with clouds on them.

Wesker sat down in a recliner, looking very tired.

"Mmphmmmph!" Ashley shouted.

"What did you just call me?!" I asked incredulously. I didn't know she had that wide of a vocabulary! The Ashley coughed up a rather disgusting looking sock. There was a resounding "TWACK!" coming from the corner of the room as Leon face-palmed.

"You heard me!" Ashley said.

"So, we just stay here for 24 hours, the you let us go?" Jill asked.

"Yes. But, you guys have to be entertaining," Julie said.

"I'm not entertaining anybody," Wesker growled from his seat.

"You didn't have that same attitude when you worked at that one gay strip club!" I said. All eyes turned to Wesker, and Julie started laughing again. Wesker raised an eyebrow at me.

"I was only joking," I muttered. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief. Except for Julie, who was gasping for air.

"Okay, then!" I said, clapping my hands together. "Let's get started." Alfred glared at me, obviously still upset about what I had called Alexia.

"Let's start with a few random, yet annoying, questions!" I said. "Julie, you start." After she had recovered from her latest laughing fit, she asked a question.

"Alright. Chris. If Leon was in a commercial what one would it be, and why?"

Chris answered without hesitation. "A shampoo commercial, because his hair's just so light and fluffy, I just want to pet it!" Everybody stared at him, yet again.

"Okay, then," I said, breaking the silence. "My turn to ask. Wesker, three questions for you. One. How old are you really?" Two. Can I call you Albert? And three. Are you a natural blonde?"

"38, no, and yes."

"Are you sure about the blonde part? I mean, there are ways that we could tell for sure…"

Wesker looked a little flushed.

"Alright, moving on!" Julie interrupted the awkward silence. "My turn. Ashley. Do you actually have any friends?"

"Sure I do! Leon's my friend, right, Leon?"

Leon face-palmed again. "No, Ashley, I'm not your friend."

"Oh, you're such a kidder," Ashley said.

"Alfred," I said, ignoring Ashley. "Are you incestuous?"

"N-no!" Alfred stuttered.

"Mhm. Anyway, Julie, your turn."

"Jill. Does Chris have a medication that he was supposed to take this morning?"

"Um…judging by the way he's been acting, yes."

After an hour or two of more annoyingly random questions…To Be Continued

**A/N: **I hope this chapter was better than the last one. Also, if you liked this chapter, please leave a review. No reviews, no more new chapters. Or, even if you didn't like it, please leave me a review either telling me that I suck at life, or tell me what I can improve on. Thank you.


	4. The Apartment, Part 2

**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Resident Evil or any other brands/copyrighted objects that I may mention. If you think I do…well, humanity has gone down the toilet. _

Hour 3 of 24

"I'm going to order pizza!" Julia called from the other room. She was answered with applause from the living room, where everybody but Nikki was.

'What do you guys all want on the pizza?" I asked.

"Pepperoni!"

"Mushrooms!"

"Sausage!"

"Anchovies!"

"Ham!"

"I don't care."

"Don't sound so enthusiastic, Wesker," I commented.

"How many pizzas should we get?" Julie asked.

"Three. One with pepperoni, one with mushrooms and sausage, and one with anchovies and ham."

"Ew, anchovies and ham don't go together!"

I shrugged. "Oh, well." Julie sighed and ordered the pizzas.

As we all sat in the living room waiting for the pizzas, we heard a cell phone ring. Chris pulled out his cell phone. "Not mine."

'Wait," Jill said. "You're I pajamas, where did you pull that cell phone out of?"

Chris grinned.

"Never mind, I really don't want to know."

Wesker pulled out his cell phone and answered it.

"Hello? … William. What do you want? … No, I'm a bit indisposed at the moment. … Why don't you focus on your wife who's sleeping around instead of worrying about what I'm doing? …No, I haven't personally. … Yes, go do that." Wesker hung up his phone.

"Was that Birkin?" I asked.

"Yes." He set his phone down on the stand next to the recliner.

When the pizzas arrived, we had Chris pull some money out of you-don't-want-to-know-where, and Julie set the pizzas on the coffee table. I whispered something to her when everybody else was getting pizza, and she left the room with a grin on her face. When Wesker wasn't looking, I snatched his cell phone off of the stand and followed Julie.

"Let's see. Who's he got under contacts?

Private…

William Birkin…

Private…

Private…

Private…

He's got a lot of privates. Julie, what are you laughing at? Oh my gosh, get your mind out of the gutter."

"I can't help it!"

"Hm…He doesn't have any pictures…"

"Um, I'm leaving now." Julie walked out.

When I walked back into the living room, Wesker glared at me.

"Might I have my cell phone back now?"

"Sure." I tossed him his cell phone. He fiddled with it, obvious trying to see if I had done anything to it. Then his face went red.

"What?" Ashley asked, snatching the phone. "Ew…"

"Let me see!" Leon took the phone. "Whoa…"

"What?" Jill took the phone from Leon. "My eyes!" Alfred looked over Jill's shoulder at the phone and shrugged. Julie was laughing, again.

"Over here!" Chris called. Jill tossed the phone to him while rubbing her eyes. Chris just stared at the phone, then burst out "Boobies!"

Wesker shifter, sitting with one leg crossed over the other.

"Who is that?" Leon asked. I grinned. Julie was hitting her head against the wall while saying ":Get out!" because Chris had shown her the picture. I looked at Wesker, who seemed to be staring off into the distance.

"Wesker?" I said. He jumped.

"What?"

"Why are your legs crossed?"

"Hm? No reason."

"OH MY GOD HE'S GOT A…!" Julie screamed from next to the wall.

"A what?" Ashley asked. Leon whispered something in her ear. "Ew…"

Wesker stared ff into the distance again.

"I wonder what he's thinking right now?" I wondered out loud.

"My mind's eye!" Julie shouted, hitting her head on the wall again.

"Somebody's going through sugar with-drawal," Jill said. Julie's eye twitched, and she looked crazed.

"Shut up!" she shouted. Alfred jumped.

"I want my sister!" he complained. Julie muttered something under her breath.

"What was that?" Alfred asked.

"I said shut up about your sister already," Julie said. "Are you friggen obsessed with her or what? And keep in mind that I have a taser." Alfred didn't say anything else.

Chris handed the phone back to Wesker, who pocketed it without sparing it another glance.

"You hate me, don't you?" I asked Wesker randomly.

"Yes, I do."

"I don't hate you!" Ashley exclaimed. "Because this is really fun, with all of us here just hanging out and eating pizza and looking at boobs and laughing and-" She was cut off abruptly as Leon stuffed the sock back down her throat.

"How do you put up with her?" Julie asked.

"I don't," Leon replied, sighing.

"So, Wesker, you're not having a very good time, are you?" I asked.

"No."

"Do you even like doing anything at all?"

He thought for a moment, then shrugged. A devilish grin spread across Julie's face, which, combined with her eye still twitching, looked quite creepy.

"Nikki, we should sing that song!"

"What song?" I asked.

"The favorite things one!"

"Oh, _that _one. Hey, Wesker, wanna hear a song sung from your point of view?"

"No, but I'm sure I'm going to have to hear it anyway."

"Damn right! Alright, it's s parody of 'My favorite Things,' from The Sound of Music, but I call it 'Wesker's Favorite Things'." Julie and me took a place standing behind Wesker's chair, and started singing.

Shooting and looking cool wearing sunglasses,

Running past zombies as slow as molasses,

Mocking inferiors, making killings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

_

Punching ten men seven feet in the air,

Killing off STARS and slicking back my hair,

Working for Umbrella while feeling like king,

These are a few of my favorite things.

_

Dressing in black 'cause it makes me feel pretty.

Laughing at those who others seem to pity,

Also, surviving whatever life brings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

_

When zombies bite,

When Tyrant comes,

When I'm feeling mad,

I simply remember I'm better than them,

And then I don't feel so bad.

When we had finished singing, everybody except for Wesker applauded. Wesker just looked like he wanted to kill Julie and me more than anything else right now. Thought the sedative was still in affect, he could probably still kill us if he really wanted to. Speaking of which.

"You know, we're going to have to give him more sedative later," I whispered to Julie. She nodded.

To be continued

**A/N**: Once again, please review. Any suggestions on what I can do to improve the soon-to-come-chapters are welcome. Also once again, if I don't get any reviews, I won't continue. Though, lately you people have been good about the whole "Read and Review" thing, and I thank you for that.


	5. Resident Evil Alphabet

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Resident Evil

**Author's note**: This is just a filler chapter that I'm putting in while I'm still writing the next part of the current story/plot less funny thing.

**A** is for Alfred Ashford, who we think is gay,

B is for Billy Coen, he keeps the zombies at bay.

**C **is for Chimera, fucker doesn't look like a fly,

**D **is for Danger, we're all going to die!

**E** is for El Gigante, he's always pissed,

**F **is for the Fury of those who didn't make this list.

**G** is for G Virus, it's rather obvious,

**H **is for Hunter, it'll try to kill us.

**I **is for Illuminados, they like to sacrifice,

**J **is for Jump away, zombies don't play nice.

**K** is for Krauser, he'll put you through your paces,

**L **is for Lisa Trevor, she likes to steal faces.

**M** is for Marcus, he keeps leeches as pets,

**N **is for Nemesis, how could we forget?

**O **is for Ozwell Spencer, yes, he's the boss,

**P **is for Pull the trigger. Why? Just because.

**Q **is for Quarantine, lock all the doors,

**R **is for Regenerator, Oh shit, there's more!

**S** is for Saddler, he'll kill you with ease,

**T **is for T Virus, it makes people zombies.

**U **is for Umbrella, you're going down!

**V **is for Virus, that's infected the whole town.

**W **is for Wesker, there isn't anything he can't,

**X **is for Xylem, it's a part of a plant.

Y is for Yams, made of potatoes that are sweet,

**Z **is for Zombies, not so quick on their feet.

**A/N: **As you can see, I couldn't think of anything for a few letters, so I improvised. (cough) Yams (cough) Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this, please review. The next part of the whole apartment thingy should be up in a while.


	6. The Apartment, Part 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, Silent Hill, or Hancock, and if you think otherwise, you're a frikkin' idiot and I hate you.

Hour 4 of 24

Julie and me were in the other room while everybody in the living room was talking amongst themselves.

"So," I said. "How are we going to do this?"

"I have no idea. Are you going to stick it in his arm?"

"Hell, no! I don't want to get punched!" I exclaimed. "Okay, here's what I need you to do…"

When I had finished telling Julie what she had to do, she immediately went to look for a large book, and I flicked the syringe of sedative I was holding to make sure it wasn't blocked.

Back in the living room

Jill and Chris were arguing about whether or not Alfred and Wesker shared the same hairdresser, Alfred was staring at the barred window as if his sister was going to magically appear and save him from this hell hole, Wesker was sitting in his chair watching everybody else, Leon was trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on Ashley because she had stopped breathing and was now turning blue, presumably due to the sock in her trachea, Julie was sneaking up behind Wesker with a phone book, and I was waiting not too far away with the syringe.

There was a muffled "THUD!" as Julie hit Wesker in the back of the head with the phone book. The force of it knocked his sunglasses off, and they clattered to the floor a few feet away from the chair onto the floor. Wesker turned to glare at Julie, who was still holding the phone book. She hissed at him and slowly backed away, receding into the shadows. Everybody else, including me, just stared. Wesker looked away, deciding to let her live. After all, she had that taser.

"_And she's mentally imbalanced," _he thought.

"Hey, be nice!" I said.

"I didn't say anything."

"Oh yeah, that's right…" I fell silent.

Little does everybody know, but for this chapter the author is going to read everybody's minds, prying into their deepest and most personal thoughts.

Wesker got up and bent down to pick up his sunglasses. I lunged forward, sticking the needle into the left portion of his butt and pushing down the plunger, injecting him with his next dose of sedative. He jumped, and I backed away as he unstuck the needle and let out a long string of curses.

"What the hell!?" he shouted. "Okay, I have out up with being stuck here with all of you, being electrocuted, hit with a book, and even flashed via cell phone. But I will not stand by and-" He crumpled to the floor before he finished his sentence.

"Oops, must've used too much," I muttered. "Hey, Julie!" I looked around, realizing that she hadn't returned after disappearing into the shadows. I shrugged. Oh, well. She was probably just off stealing candy from a baby or something. Figures.

"Chris, Leon, help me get him onto the couch," I said. Leon wiped his hands off, which had been covered in spit from the sock he had removed from Ashley's windpipe. When we lifted Wesker onto the couch, I decided I would try to read peoples minds again.

"Hm, he's kinda cute when he's unconscious," Ashley thought, looking at Wesker.

"I wonder if I could just sell her to the Merchant," Leon thought, looking at Ashley.

"Damn, what kind of shampoo does he use?" Chris thought, looking at Leon.

"Was that boob-job a bad idea?" Jill thought, looking at herself.

"Hm, he's kinda cute when he's unconscious," Alfred thought, looking at Wesker. My eye twitched.

"Is something wrong with your eye?" Ashley asked me.

"Ashley, shut up! I'm trying to be omniscient and first person at the same time, and it's hard enough without you talking to me!"

Ashley just stared at me.

"She's so mean," she thought.

I picked up Wesker's sunglasses and stuck them in his pants pocket. Just then, Julie reappeared from the shadows, sucking on a lollipop.

"Sorry I was gone, I wanted to get some candy. Stupid baby wouldn't let go of it!"

I tried to read Julie's mind, but I couldn't hear anything except for a siren that made me feel like I was in Silent Hill, so I stopped trying, because it creeped me out. Julie looked over at Wesker.

"Does anybody have a sharpie?"

"No," Jill said. "Wish we did."

I tried reading Julie's mind again. This time I heard elevator music. Hm. Pretty catchy. I smiled and tapped my foot, swaying to the beat. Everybody except for Julie slowly backed away from me.

"Nikki, if you don't stop trying to read my mind, I'm going to break my foot off in your ass," she threatened. I flinched and covered my behind.

"Okay, no more omniscient author for me," I said as I prepared to run away. "Ju-Ju-Budders!" I shouted as I ran away laughing maniacally, Julie hot on my trail.

"Don't call me that!" she screamed, setting her taser as she ran.

**To be continued…**

**A/N:** Once again, if I don't get any reviews, I won't write another chapter. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and if you think I should change the rating to "M" just for bringing up certain things, please say so. Also, in case you hadn't guessed by reading the other reviews, Twisted Midnight Dreams is Julie. (cough) Ju-Ju-Budders (cough) Yes, I know her in real life.

REVIEW. NOW.


	7. The Apartment, Part 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, and I told myself that if I said something else about you people that think otherwise, then I would have to give Jesus Christ a blow-job, and I'm really not into that sort of thing so I'll have to steer clear of that.

**Author's note: **I think I am going to change the rating. You know, just in case.

Hour 5 of 24

I was sitting with my back against the couch, rubbing the marks on my arm where Julie had tased me repeatedly. Alfred was sitting on the floor laughing at me with that girlish laugh of his. Ashley was trying to tell Leon all about her day at the mall yesterday. Leon was begging Chris for one of his socks, since he was all out. Jill was still looking down at herself, wondering if that surgery had been a bad idea. Julie was trying to recharge the battery of her taser. And as I rubbed my arm, I could hear Wesker waking up behind me.

"I'm going to kill you," he muttered groggily.

"Yes, good luck with that," I said unconcerned. "I think I about OD'd you with sedative."

"Is that was that was? I can hardly breathe."

"Ooh, wanna play doctor?" I asked.

"No, not really."

"Nikki, quit trying to get in Wesker's pants when I'm in here, it's making my eye twitch," Julie called from her spot in the shadows.

"Oh, suck it up," I said. Julie sighed. Wesker rolled his eyes and sat up on the couch, finding his sunglasses in his pocket and putting them on. He looked down, pausing for a moment.

"Why are my pants unzipped?" He shot me a withering look.

"I swear it wasn't me!" I exclaimed, flustered. Chris looked away and started whistling again. All eyes turned to him.

"Do you have a zipper fetish or something?!" Julie said, laughing.

"Um…Maybe."

Wesker went even paler than he already was, which I didn't think possible, speechless.

"Don't worry, he didn't do anything," Julie said.

"Yeah," I chimed in. "He wouldn't have had time to do anything other than just unzip your pants."

"I don't really care," Wesker said, though he had regained some of his color. "It's the fact that another man put his hands near my crotch that perturbs me."

I giggled and whispered to Julie, "Wesker said 'crotch'." Julie ignored me.

"So. You're not gay?" Alfred inquired.

"No."

"Not even bisexual?"

"No. Why?"

"No reason," Alfred said, sounding disappointed. Ashley was the first to jump to correct conclusions.

"You have a crush on Wesker!" she said as she pointed to Alfred.

"I do not!" he complained.

"Come within three yards of me, and I'll punch you so hard it'll look like you play hockey," Wesker said, glaring at Alfred. "Damn fairy."

Alfred whimpered and backed as far away from Wesker as he could.

"Don't worry Alfred," I said. "It's okay to be gay."

"I'm not gay!"

"You so are!" Jill said.

"You even smell like gay," Leon added. Everybody looked at him.

"What does gay smell like?" Ashley asked.

"You know, just like a…Well, just a gay smell in general."

"My gay-dar goes off just looking at him," Chris said.

"You of all people would know gay," Julie said. "And I'm curious. What kind of gay-dar are you talking about? One that belongs to a gay person when he's attracted to another male, or just one that tells you who's gay?"

"I'm not gay! And I don't like him like that!" Chris argued.

"Alright, new rule!" Wesker shouted. "If any male comes within three yards of me, or even tried to talk to me, they die." Chris and Leon backed away.

"Homophobe," Julie said to Wesker. He ignored her.

"Who died and made you king?" I asked.

"Nobody, at least not yet. Would you like me too change that?"

"Um, no. Just…Never mind."

Julie started laughing. I gave her a questioning look.

"Come over here so I can tell you something, Nikki!" she shouted.

"Why do I have to get up?"

"Because I don't want Wesker to kill me."

I got up and went over to her, and she whispered something in my ear. I giggled.

"What?" Jill asked. I just shook my head.

"Tell us what she said!" Ashley and Leon said at the same time. Leon hit the back of his head on the wall as Ashley told him that he owed her a soda.

"Are you at least going to tell me?" Wesker asked.

"Alright, fine. But don't shoot the messenger.

He leaned forward and I whispered in his ear, "She said that if you and Alfred were in a prison together, you'd probably knock his soap onto the floor."

"I most certainly would not!" Wesker said defensi9vely.

Julie grinned from the corner. "Uh-huh."

What did shee say?" Alfred asked.

"Nothing," Wesker growled. "She said nothing."

"Oh, chill out," I said. "You know she really doesn't think that, she's just trying to annoy you." I sat down next to him. Julie shot me a look that I couldn't read.

"Well, it worked," Wesker said.

"I want to know what she said!" Ashley shrieked. Leon tackled her and stuffed the sock that Jill had given him down Ashley's throat.

**To be continued**

**A/N: **If I get no reviews, you will get no more chapters. Also, I mean no offense to the gay community, as I myself am half gay. Go, gay! (waves flag) Though, I'm a half-gay girl, not a half-gay guy. I had to say that last bit so you wouldn't think I'm some transsexual that wishes he was a girl.

Now, review! Good or bad, I want to hear it, just don't bull shit me. If youy think this chapter sucked, tell me.


	8. The Apartment, Part 5

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, and if you think I do, yadda, yadda, yadda… Is it me, or do I sound like a broken record player?

Hour 6 of 24

Julie had ordered Chinese food for all of us, having Chris pull some money out of you-don't-want-to-know-where again. A secret compartment in his pajamas? The world may never know.

Chris, Leon, and Alfred were still on the opposite side of the room as Wesker, Ashley was trying to dislodge yet another sock from her throat so she could eat some rice, Jill and Chris were discussing something, Julie was in the corner plotting something, knowing her it's world-domination, and me and Wesker were discussing Adolph Hitler's genius.

"-I think he went about a few things right," Wesker continued. "But, he should have pulled those troops out of Russia while he still had the chance, for starters."

"But Germany was about finished anyway."

"Not necessarily, you see-" He was cut off by somebody throwing an empty Chinese food box at him.

"Adolph Hitler was a ruthless dictator and a menace to society!" Jill said, frustrated. "So quit idolizing him. Nothing good came out of his rule."

Wesker ignored her.

"So, Wesker, you don't happen to be part German, do you? You look like it, even though your eyes aren't blue, they're all glow-in-the-dark orange."

"No, " Wesker said as he shook his head.

"Hey, Julie!" Leon called from the other side of the room to her. "Question. Do you do anything other than order us food and tase us? I mean, do you even have a voice?"

Julie flipped him off.

"Oh, I guess not," Leon said, smiling. "Because that's sign language."

"Oh, ha, ha, so funny," Julie said sarcastically. "I know where you sleep. Well, not yet, but when I find out, you'd better learn to sleep with your eyes open."

Leon swallowed hard and didn't say anything else.

"By the way Nikki," Julie said, turning towards me. "You deserve a pat on the back. You were able to withhold a conversation with Wesker without annoying the shit out of him."

"Oh, go eat a candy bar or something," I said, waving her away.

"Ew, no. By the time I get the candy bar from the baby it's all warm and melty. No thank you."

"Erm, okay then."

"How long have we been here?" Alfred asked.

"Julie checked her watch. "About six hours."

"Seriously? Tie flies," Chris commented. "What time is it?"

"2:05 PM."

"What time can we leave tomorrow?" Alfred asked.

"8:00 AM, soonest," I said. "Why, do you have plans?"

"Actually, yes. I'm supposed to meet my beloved sister for lunch tomorrow."

"Okay, seriously, what's wrong with you?" Leon asked.

"What?"

"You act as if your sister is your girlfriend or something, and it's creepy."

Alfred sighed. "An inferior such as yourself wouldn't understand."

"Did you just call me inferior?!" Leon asked incredulously. "Jill which one of us is inferior?"

"Let's see…suave zombie slayer with nice hair, or womanly gay cross-dresser?"

"I'd say they're equal," I said. Both Leon and Alfred glared at me. I pulled out my taser and they both looked away. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"How in the world did a person such as yourself get a taser?" Wesker asked.

"Well, you see, there was this cop-?

"Nikki, shut up!" Julie shouted. I looked over. Apparently, she was having trouble with the video game she was playing.

"Watcha playing?" I asked.

"Sonic the Hedgehog."

"Oh, very hard-core of you."

She flipped me off.

"Yeah, up yours, buddy."

"Ignore her, dear heart," Wesker said. "Now, as you were saying?"

"Oh, right. Okay, so there was this one cop, really fat guy, like the stereotypical fat cop with a big mustache covered in doughnut crumbs," I continued. "And I was passing by when he was shouting at one of my friends. Keep in mind that this particular friend of mine is a pothead, which is most likely why the cop was shouting at him. So I called out to my friend, who looks really pissed at this point, his name's Trey, by the way. The cop looks over, and Trey tackles him, takes the cop's taser, and gets pepper-sprayed in the process. Trey drops the taser and runs off, with cop chasing after him. And there, looking all lonely on the sidewalk, was this taser."

"Amusing. And how did she get hers?" Wesker said, nodding towards Julie.

"Julie?"

We both looked over at her. She was swearing at her video game.

"I have no idea," I replied. Then I leaned in and whispered, "And I really don't think I want to know."

"Hey, Wesker!" Chris called. He and Jill had just been talking. Wesker looked over at him. "Are you a Natzi?"

"No."

"Are you sure about that? Because Nikki's right, you do look German, and your eyes did used to be blue."

"I'm not German, and I'm not a Natzi."

"Hm. Well, you sure are as much of an asshole as they are."

"I would watch what you call me, if I were you."

"Nikki says things about you all the time, and I'm pretty sure Julie does, too. I think you're just a big-"

In a split-second, Wesker was across the room, lifting Chris up by his throat. He probably would have been over quicker if not for the sedative.

"If you ever say something like that to me again, I'll kill you on the spot. Do you understand?"

Chris nodded as best as he could, scrabbling at Wesker's hands.

"Good." He tossed Chris casually across the room.

"hey-" Ashley started, but Weser back-handed her and she was out cold. Leon silently congratulated him. Wesker sat back down on the couch.

"Feel better?" I asked.

"Much. I've been wanting to do that all day."

Just then, Julie let out a long string of swears that would've made her mother pass out. You don't even want to know what she said. Oh, wait yes you do.

"God damn mother-fucking cock-sucking son-of-a-bitching whore! Fuck me purple sideways in an elevator shaft!"

"What?" Jill asked.

"My batteries just ran out! Anybody have any double A's?"

Everybody shook their heads.

"I could always call somebody to run some over here," I suggested.

"yes, do that. Batteries take top priority right now."

"Okay, then. Chris, can I borrow your cell phone?"

No answer. Chris didn't move.

'Somebody see if he's still alive."

Jill got up and checked his pulse. "Yep, he's still alive. Just unconscious."

"Okay, Julie, cell phone?"

She tossed it over, and I dialed a number,

A few minutes later a woman opened the door, locked it behind her, and entered the living room.

"Got your batteries," she said, tossing the batteries towards Julie. The batteries landed on the floor stacked together, despite the fact that they were cylindrical with notches on the ends.

"Alice, must you show off?" I asked, highly annoyed. (Yes, Alice from the movie)

"Of course I do," she said matter-of-factly. "You see, I'm perfect in every way. My body combined with the T-virus and-" A bullet hole appeared in her forehead, and Wesker lowered his handgun with a silencer on it.

"Nobody's perfect."

Alice's body dropped to the ground, and everybody, with the exceptions of Ashley and Chris, cheered.

"All right, Julie I know this is your type of thing, so try to dispose of the body," I said.

"Righteo," Julie replied. She grabbed the corpse's arms and dragged the feather-light anorexic body into the shadows, both Julie and the late Alice disappearing.

**A/N: **Since people have been very good about reviewing, I've been updating must faster than usual. But if you stop reviewing, I stop writing. I look forward to hearing feedback on the death of Alice.

Also, Julie, heads up. Don't hide the body at the usual place, the authorities are getting suspicious.


	9. The Apartment, Part 6

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil. If you think otherwise, it's a wonder you can think properly.

Hour 7 of 24

Alfred and Chris were conversing, Ashley was oddly silent, but it may have been because she was still unconscious, Leon was enjoying being free of Ashley, Julie still hadn't come back after leaving to hide the late Alice's body, Jill was complaining about the lump in the back of Chris's head from when Wesker had thrown him for some reason, and I was busy annoying Wesker.

"I'm not touching you," I said, my finger inches away from Wesker's arm. He glared at me from behind his sunglasses.

"Stop."

"Mkay." I poked him.

"Quit touching me."

"You told me to stop not touching you."

"Now you're just trying to be obnoxious."

"Is it working?"

"Obviously."

Julie reappeared. "Um, guys? What's wrong with Ashley?" We looked over. Ashley was looking very grayish in color, and she wasn't breathing. Jill moved over to check her vital signs. After a few seconds, she looked up.

"Ye."

"'Yep' what?" Chris asked.

"Yep, she's dead."

Leon jumped up.  
Aw, man, the president's going to kill me!"

Ashley sat up. Everybody stared. She opened her eyes. They were glazed over, and very dead looking.

"Oh my fucking god, it's a zombie!" I screamed. Zombies frighten me, in case you hadn't noticed. Everybody jumped up, and the Ashley zombie slowly rose to her feet.

"Everybody, quickly, in here!" Julie shouted, opening a door. Everybody except for Julie and Wesker piled inside.

"You know, I could just-," Wesker was cut off.

"Just get in there," Julie said, pulling him by the arm. The Ashley zombie didn't see them as the door closed behind them.

"Okay, who's idea was it to hide in the closet?" Jill asked. Everybody was crowded into a dark closet that couldn't have been bigger than three feet by three feet.

"And how is Ashley a zombie? How'd she get infected?" Chris asked.

"Julie's idea, and I have no idea," I replied, voice high-pitched. But there's a zombie out there! We're all going to die!"

"What's the matter with her?" Alfred asked.

"Zombies scare the ever-living out of her," Julie said.

"Who's touching me?" Wesker demanded. We couldn't see anything, but we heard a whistling.

"Chris Redfield, I'm going to kill you!" he shouted. Somebody moved to the back of the closet. Wesker jumped.

"Sorry, Wesker, just me," Julie said. "That was your next dose of sedative."

"If you'd only let me to the door, I could kill that thing," Wesker said.

"Can't move, too crowded," Alfred said.

"She's going to find us, and we're going to die!" I shrieked, holding onto the nearest person.

"Who's touching me now?" Wesker asked.

"I am," I answered.

"Ah. Get off of me."

"No."

"Just leave her alone," Jill said. "We don't want her to go into hysterics." Wesker listened to her, but most likely because he had just been sedated.

"Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it!" I squealed.

"Can I do it?" Leon asked, perhaps a bit excited. He cleared his throat. "I mean, let me do it." He pushed through everybody else and opened the closet door, flooding us with light. Leon stepped out, and everybody followed a few feet behind him, except for Wesker and me.

"Come on, dear heart, I want to see this," Wesker said. I was still holding onto him.

"Only if you hold my hand."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope."

Wesker took my hand. "Alright, let's go." We arrived in the other room just in time to see it. The Ashley zombie lurched towards Leon, who darted behind her and snapped her neck with his bare hands. She fell to the ground, and Leon looked up at Wesker.

"You had a gun, why didn't you just shoot her?" he asked.

"Because it would have been a rather fortunate turn of events if she had succeeded in killing you," he said. He looked down at me. "You can let go of my hand now, dear heart." I let go.

"Well," I said. "That was exciting."

"You were close to breaking down," Chris said.

"Yeah," I said, flipping my hair out of my face. "I know. I hate zombies. Anyways, we're going to need somebody else here."

"What?"

"Well, we started out with six of you guys here. At the end of these 24 hours, there should still be six."

"Shall I call my people?" Julie asked.

"Yes. Just tell them to grab a random person. Have it be a surprise."

"Got it." Julie pulled out her cell phone and walked towards the living room.

"Wait, Julie?" I called. She looked up. I pointed to the body, and she nodded. Another body to dispose of. We all went back into the living room. Chris was nowhere in sight, which was probably for the best, because Wesker was going to kill him if he saw him again for the little incident in the closet.

"So, you don't know who else you're going to trap in here?" Jill asked.

"Nope. It's up to Julie's People."

"They'd better leave my darling sister alone," Alfred said.

"The chances of them getting that blonde bimbo are slim to none," I said. Alfred growled with rage, but he didn't tackle me this time.

"After I get out of here, me and Alexia will relish watching you die."

"Oh, I'm so scared," I said sarcastically.

"You should be," he hissed. I suppressed some laughter, but otherwise ignored him.

"So, you really have no idea who's coming here?" Leon asked.

"Nope."

**A/N**: Hope you liked this chapter! Ashley fans (if there are any) feel free to flame me. Also, I need to peoples' help. I don't know who else is going to be joining us in the apartment, and I can't pick, so you people choose for me. It can be anybody from the Resident Evil universe, but it has to be human. That means no BOWs. It can be Ada Wong, Luis Sera, Rebecca Chambers, Claire Redfield, Billy Coen, Jack Krauser, etc. These are just a few to get your minds going. I'll be going by popular vote. But please do hurry; I'd like to get back to writing soon. The new person will be in the chapter after the chapter after this one.


	10. The Apartment, Part 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, Sherlock Holmes, Mr. Clean, or Barbie. If you think otherwise, may you be barbequed by naked headless Barbies.

Hour 8 of 24

Chris and Jill were over in the corner discussing who they thought may be joining us, Alfred was humming to himself, Leon was fiddling with something in his pocket, and I was trying to get Wesker not to kill Chris for accidentally brushing against him in the closet. The Julie came back from disposing of Ashley's body. She had boxes in her hands.

"I brought more pizza," she said. "But nobody touch the plain cheese one, that's mine and Nikki's." She set the pizzas down on the coffee table as her cell phone rang. The ring tone was a rooster's "cock-a-doodle-doo." Alfred giggled. Julie glared at him and answered her phone.

"Hello…Oh, hi, mom…No, I'm staying over at Nikki's…"

Everybody else was eating pizza. Except for Wesker, who was refusing to eat anything.

"Tell your mom I said hi!" I said.

"Nikki says hi…No! It's fake…Anyways, I'm kind of busy…Alright, bye."

"What'd she want?" I asked.

"Just wanted to know if I was coming over for dinner."

"Oh. Where's the cheese pizza?"

"Right here," Leon said, and he passed a box over.

"What's that green stuff on it?" I asked.

"Probably parsley or barley or something," Julie said, taking a slice.

**10 minutes later…**

"The walls are hairy!" Julie shouted. Everybody looked at her. "Look! See?!"

"Are you on something?" Chris asked.

"Nope."

"Actually, she is," Leon said. "I put some Green Herb in her and Nikki's pizza."

"You mean you drugged us?" I asked. "Well, I for one feel perfectly normal. Wesker, did I ever tell you how cool your sunglasses are?"

"No."

"Well, they're cool. Hey! I've got an idea! Let's you, me, and some lubricant go over in that other room!" Chris laughed, Jill hid her face, and Julie was trying to pet the walls.

"I'm going to have to decline that offer," Wesker said. I sighed.

"Oh, fine," I said, disappointed.

"Julie, you do know that those walls don't have hair on them,, right?" Leon asked.

"No Shitlock, Holmes!" she snapped.

"Do you mean 'No shit, Sherlock'?"

"That's what I said."

"Dude, no it isn't," I said.

"Well…Same difference!"

"True, the difference between them is the same."

"You two are mad in a normal state of mind," Jill said. "But now you're just plain crazy."

"I don't know about Nikki, but I know I'm crazy," Julie said.

"That's right, I'm not crazy! Just 'unique'."

"You sure are something," Alfred said.

"Shut up, she-man!"

Alfred gave me a blank stare.

"What?" Quit staring at me!"

"Perhaps giving them drugs wasn't the best of ideas," Wesker stated.

'What're you talking about?" I asked. "I'm perfectly fine!"

"Says the girl with the twitch in her eye."

"What? My eye isn't twitching!" I rubbed both of my eyes and scuttled over to the shadows where Julie was sitting. "Hey, wanna play Dare?" I asked quietly.

"What's that?"

"It's like truth or dare, only the only option is dare, and we only do one each."

"Mmm…Okay. You go first."

"Okay. I dare you to…" I thought for a moment. "Tell Alfred you love him."

"But I don't."

"That's the point."

"All right, all right." She was probably only agreeing because of the Green Herb. "Hey, Alfred!" He looked up. "I love you!" H coked his head to one side.

"That's…Nice to know?"

I giggle uncontrollably.

"My turn," Julie said. "I dare you to…" she whispered it.

"But that's two!"

"Two parts, one dare."

"Aw, come on! You just want to see me get hurt emotionally and physically!"

"That I do."

I sighed, got up and walked over to the couch where Wesker was sitting. He looked up. I leaned forward and kissed him. Everybody fell into shocked silence. When I pulled away, he looked at me like I was insane. Julie was laughing over in the shadows, and I walked back over and sat down. Julie nudged me.

"Remember the other part?" she whispered. I grinned.

"Oh, yeah. Wesker, I want to have your children."

"What…" he was semi-speechless, obviously having just realized that I was the one that had been prank-calling him the other day. "I-What.."

"Spit it out already!" Julie exclaimed.

"Nikki, don't do that again," he said, still at loss for words.

"Mkay."

"Kennedy?" Leon looked up as Wesker said his name. "I highly recommend that you never drug them again."

"But it's fun."

Julie was blowing kisses at Alfred, who was trying his best to ignore her. I was studying the wall intently; looking for the hair that Julie had said was there. I didn't see any hair.

"Julie, this wall has about as much hair as Mr. Clean."

"I know."

"So why'd you say it had hair?"

"Because it did. Only it fell off a few minutes ago."

"Ohhh, okay."

While me and Julie were talking nonsense…

Leon sat down on the couch a few feet away from Wesker.

"So," Leon said. "You don't like Nikki, do you?" Wesker looked over at him.

"No. She isn't my type."

"So, what is your type?"

"Not so annoying."

"Oh, yes, because offering to have sex with you is so annoying."

Wesker glared at him.

"Don't I have an unofficial restraining order against you? No men within three yards."

"Oh, right. Forgot." Leon walked back over to the opposite side of the room.

**A/N: **Please review. No reviews=No more chapters. If I get good reviews, the next chapter will have the Resident Evil character that you people have chosen in it. You can still vote now, but once I post the next chapter, the votes are obviously useless. ONLY humans from the Resident Evil universe, no BOWs such as Talos, Tyrant, Nemesis, etc.

Also, people hoping for a large plot twist at the end, I'll try not to disappoint you. :D But of course, that's still at least 16 chapters away.


	11. The Apartment, Part 8

_**Disclaimer: **_I do not own Resident Evil, GI-Joe, Aviator, or Fed Ex.

**Author's Note: This is an early warning. There will be a small spoiler for Resident Evil 5 in the after note, so if you don't want to see it, don't read the after note. **

The votes are in. The votes were very close. Also, before I get flamed, if you said that you couldn't choose between two different characters, I just chose the first one that you said.

Hour 9 of 24

Me and Julie's Green Herb after-effects had worn off, and we were back to normal. Well, as normal as it's possible for us to get. Leon and Jill were discussing hair-care products, Chris was fiddling with one of the buttons on his pajamas, Alfred was filing his nails, Julie was playing her videogame again, and Wesker was just sitting on the couch looking like as bad ass while I continued to annoy the fuck out of him.

Then we heard shouting coming from outside the door that led to the outside, and the door opened as somebody was shoved inside. The door slammed shut.

"What the…" Jill trailed off as she got up to see what was happening. She left the room, and came back with Claire Redfield standing next to her. Chris gave Claire a lopsided grin.

"Welcome to the club."

Julie explained everything to Claire, who just sat down next to Jill and Chris with her arms crossed.

"Hey, Nikki, I'll be right back," Julie said. "I'm going to get my other video game real quick." And with that, she disappeared into the shadows. I shrugged.

"I'm Nikki, by the way," I said to Claire. "And that was Julie. You have 15 hours until you can leave."

**5 minutes later…**

Julie reappeared holding two little boys roughly by the arms.

"Nikki!" she shouted. "Your brothers were throwing GI-Joes at my windows again!"

"So you brought them here?!" I shrilled. "I don't want them to see me…never mind, I'm just not going to finish that sentence. People being held here against their wills, these are Matthew, he's 7, and Logan, he's 10. Logan and Matthew, these are the people being held here against their wills; Claire, Jill, Chris, Leon, Alfred, and Wesker."

Claire walked over to them as Julie let go of their arms.

"Well hello there," Claire said. Matthew looked up at her.

"Your boobs are real small," he commented. Claire's eyes widened and Chris stated rolling on the floor laughing. Logan walked up to Wesker.

"Are you looking at me?" Logan asked him. "'Cause I can't tell. Your glasses are weird."

"They're called 'Aviators' Jill said. Wesker stared at Logan blankly.

"I don't care for children," he said.

"Neither do I," Logan said matter-of-factly. "My brother is really childish."

Julie sat down in the shadows to play her videogame and set her taser down next to her. Matthew walked over to Chris.

"I like your pajamas," he said.

"Thank you," Chris said, smiling.

"My Uncle Rick had a pair just like them!" Matthew beamed. "But one day he went for a walk wearing them, and he got shot." Chris's smile faded.

"Your brothers really do take after you, don't they, Nikki?" Leon said.

"They do not!" I replied, appalled. " I swear, my parents ordered them and they came in a Fed Ex truck."

"We were not!" Logan protested.

"Yeah you were. Mom had one hell of a time getting your head out of the bubble wrap, and Matthew had a mark where she had to peal the barcode sticker off of his butt for the first year of his life," I teased. Logan stuck his tongue out at me.

"Hey, sweet taser!" he said to Julie. "Can I play with it?"

"Sure, knock yourself out, kid," she said, handing him the taser.

"Did you just give my little brother a taser?" I panicked.

"Relax, it's shatter-proof."

"Oh, then never mind."

"That's the only reason why you were worried about him having a taser?" Claire asked, annoyed. "You aren't afraid he might hurt himself?"

I thought for a moment. "Nope."

"Hey, Alfred!" Logan called, grinning. Alfred looked up. "I'm going to tase you!" Alfred jumped up and started to run away, but Logan chased after him and chop-blocked the back of his knees.

"Ambush!" Alfred screamed as he fell. Matthew ran over and jumped on him back as Logan tased him in the back of the neck.

"It's on low-charge," Julie whispered to me. "All right! Now give me my taser back now," she said a little louder. Logan obediently gave it back. Matthew was now sitting on Alfred's back and digging his heels into his sides as he tried to get up.

"Come on, just one piggyback ride!" he begged.

"Get off of me! Off, now!"

"Just give the poor kid a piggyback ride," Leon said.

"I've got to see this,  
Jill said.

"No! Get him off of me, or I'll kick his-"

"Give him a damn piggyback ride so he'll shut the hell up," Julie interrupted, "or I'll tase you on full-charge." Alfred stood up looking very annoyed with Matthew clinging to his back like a chimp and walked around the room with. Matthew was giggling maniacally.

"Hey, Wesker," I said. "Wanna give me a piggyback ride?"

"No."

"Or, I could give you one," I said, winking.

"Once again, I'm going to have to decline your offer."

"He's too big for you to carry, Nikki." Logan said.

"Um…yeah, let's just go with that."

"What…" Claire trailed off.

"She has a thing for Wesker," Chris explained. Alfred dropped Matthew off on the couch after a few laps around the room.

"I'm hungry," Matthew complained.

"Here," Julie said, handing him a banana. Matthew took the banana and stared at it, looked up at Julie, back down at the banana, and back up at Julie again. In another second, the banana hit Julie in the face.

"Nikki, he just threw a piece of fruit at me!" Logan laughed at her.

"That's it, these two are going back to where they came from." She grabbed both of them and dragged them back into the shadows. "You fuckers are going back to Fed Ex."

**5 minutes later…**

Julie reappeared.

"Did you really take them to Fed Ex?" I asked. "I was only joking about that, you know."

"I know. Nom but I did tie them up in your backyard."

"Psh, they're used to it. I just tether them to a tree and walk away when they start to get annoying."

**A/N: **I'm sorry you people had to wait so long for the next chapter; I had writers block for a while until my brothers helped me. Don't worry, when I read them the other chapters, I censored out the "bad" things.

Also, I just have to say this, let me vent here. I hope Capcom brings Wesker back, though they probably won't after the way that he was killed. I want to push that stupid blonde bimbo Jill out of a helicopter and into a volcano in Africa. No offense towards Jill fans.

Anyway, if there are no more reviews, there will be no more chapters. Thank you.


	12. The Apartment, Part 9

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, Wal Mart, Monopoly, Scrabble, Twister, or Photoshop

Author's Note: I apologize for the suckishness of the last chapter, and this chapter is longer and funnier to compensate for it.Hour 10 of 24

Julie was off in the other room preparing Wesker's next dose of sedative, Chris and Claire were reminiscing about an incident that had to do with a drunken cop, a dog, and a hose, Alfred was off in a corner pouting, me and Jill were arguing about dictators, Leon was fixing his hair, and Wesker was listening to the conversation.

"So, every time I eat an animal cracker, I name it after a dictator," I said. "Mussolini was an orangutan."

"Interesting," Jill commented. Julie walked in and snuck up behind Wesker. She stuck a needle in his neck, pushed the plunger down, and ran for the shadows. Wesker instinctively jumped up and chased her, pulling the needle out of his neck. He just missed her as she dove into the shadows. This all happened within a few seconds. Wesker grumbled to himself as he picked up the syringe that had been sticking out of his neck and held it up to the light.

"Why is this purple?" he asked.

"What?" I got up to see what he was talking about. In the syringe was a small amount of a deep purple liquid left over.

"That's not-"

"It isn't what?" he snapped.

"That isn't your sedative, the stuff we give you is supposed to be clear."

"You mean to tell me that not only have I just been injected with an unknown fluid, but that the one that injected me doesn't know what it is either?" Wesker seethed.

"Well, she might know! Don't get all pissy with me, I didn't do it!!"

Claire walked up to us. "I think you both just need to take a deep breath and…" she stopped talking when she saw the glares she was being given. Julie reappeared.

'What's all the shouting about?" she asked.

"You! What was in that syringe!?" I shouted.

"Should've been sedative. Let me see." Wesker handed her the needle with the purple fluid. "I have no idea what this is."

"What exactly did you put in the syringe?" I asked.

"I really don't know. But Wesker, look on the bright side! It could have been worse. I could have injected you with bleach! Now that would hurt."

Wesker gave her a blank stare, shook his head, and walked back to the couch.

**10 minutes later…**

Wesker, who I was sitting next to on the couch, turned me.

"Guess what?" he said.

"What?'

" My hair. I just realized. It's aerodynamic. Maybe that's how I run so fast?"

I could hardly keep from laughing. He was being completely serious.

"I'm sure your speed had very little to do with your hair," I giggled. I turned to Julie, who was sitting in the shadows behind the couch. Apparently she had heard him, and was suppressing laughter. I whispered, "What did you give him?" She just shook her head.

"I'm bored," Claire said.

"Well, I think we have a few board games laying around," I said. "Monopoly, Scrabble, and Twister."

"Ooh, let's play Twister!" Jill said enthusiastically. Julie shrunk into the shadows and reappeared seconds later with Twister.

"I'm not playing because I have the flexibility of a turtle," Julie said. "So I'll be the one to spin the arrow and tell you guys what goes where."

"I'll play. Who else is playing?" I asked. Claire, Leon, Chris, and Jill volunteered. "Alfred and Wesker, you two have to play, too."

"Okay," Wesker said obediently and got up. Julie and me stared at him.

"Since when did you do what we told you?" Julie asked. Wesker shrugged. I turned to Julie and mouthed the word "drugs", and she grinned. That would be why he was acting so strange.

"I'll play if he does," Alfred said, gesturing towards Wesker. Julie smiled evilly to herself as she set out the mat and sat down on the couch with the spinning arrow.

"Okay, Jill, you start. Right hand on yellow.

**3 minutes later…**

Leon had his hands on two circles and his feet on two other circles with his back arched up like a pissed off cat, Alfred was underneath Leon, Chris was trying his best not to stare at Jill's bosom, which was inches away from his face, I was tangled in Jill's legs, Claire was trying to get her left hand on the yellow circle under Chris, and Wesker was balanced expertly in front of Claire and facing me.

"Jesus, Wesker, you're like a ninja!" I exclaimed.

"I know I am," he said. Claire was busy trying to balance with once arm under Chris and the other next to Alfred. Julie fired off a long string of commands.

"Chris, right foot on green, Alfred, right hand on red, Jill, left hand on yellow, Leon, left hand on blue, Wesker, right foot on red, Claire, right hand on Wesker's ass, Nikki, right hand on blue."

Claire, not paying attention, absent-mindedly complied. Wesker startled and turn his head to face behind him, raising an eyebrow at Claire. Claire, realizing what she just did, sprung backwards in horror, knocking Chris, Jill and me down in the process. Julie sat back on the couch to watch the mayhem she had just created. Chris and Jill were shouting at Claire, who wasn't listening to them. Jill was yelling at her for knocking them down, Chris was yelling at her for touching his mortal enemies ass.

"Okay, then, moving on!" Julie shouted to be heard above all of them. "Everybody who fell, clear the bard, Alfred, Leon and Wesker, I'm going to see if I can make this a little harder. Leon, left hand and left foot on blue."

After a few minutes, Leon gave up because he could have sworn that Alfred was positioning himself under him in obscene positions. Alfred just shrugged when he was accused.

"C'mon, Wesker!" I cheered. "Kick his ass!"

"Wesker, left and right foot on yellow."

As Alfred tried to shift into a more comfortable position, Wesker swept his legs around and knocked Alfred's arms out from under him .As Wesker landed gracefully on the yellow circle, Alfred fell flat on his face.

"Wesker wins," Julie said apathetically. Wesker stood up and dusted himself off, purposely stepping on Alfred as he walked off of the Twister mat.

"You people need to learn, I'm better than you all," Wesker said.

"Yeah, he's definitely on something," Leon commented.

"Hey, Wesker, take off your sunglasses," Julie said.

"Why?"

"Because."

"I suppose I can't argue with that reasoning." Wesker took off his sunglasses. His normally glowing orange cat's eyes were dull and glazed over.

"What was it that you gave him?" Jill asked.

"Truthfully, I don't know," Julie responded.

"Everything's spinning…" We looked over just in time to see Wesker fall over backwards and land in a chair, passed out.

"I'm going to go get that stuff you hold under somebody's nose to wake them up," Julie said, once again disappearing into the shadows.

"Isn't his the second time he's passed out today?" Jill asked.

"When was the first time?" Claire inquired.

"When Nikki gave him too much sedative," Julie said as she reappeared from the shadows. She was grinning from ear to ear. "Look, Nikki! I stole this sandwich from a hobo! I think it's bologna."

"Why did you steal a sandwich from a hobo?"

"I don't know. He was just sitting on a dumpster, about to bite it when I ran up to him, kicked him in the shins, and stole his sandwich."

"You're so cruel," Claire said.

"I know I am. Oh, here," she held something up to Wesker's face and his eyes shot open. They weren't glazed over any more.

"I'm going to get you back for this," Wesker said as he put his sunglasses on.

"Sure you are. Anyways, Nikki, can you do me a favor?" Julie asked.

"I guess. What is it?"

"Take this," she pulled a box of plastic wrap out of the shadows, "wrap up my hobo bologna sandwich for later and put it in the fridge."

"Mkay." I did what she said, and when I came back out of the kitchen, Julie and Wesker were arguing.

"I already told you! I don't know what it was! It was an accident!" Julie shouted.

"How about I accidentally strangle you with your own entrails?" Wesker said coolly.

"Nikki!" Julie called. "Oh, you're right there. Get me my sandwich, I'm hungry."

"I just put it away, if you want it you can get off your ass and get it."

Julie muttered something under her breath, but got up and pushed past ,e to get to the kitchen. As I sat down on the couch, Wesker came over and whispered something in my ear. I grinned and handed him the plastic wrap.

We saw Julie approaching the doorway and everybody sat on the edges of their seats in anticipation. Claire giggles. Julie was taking a bite out of her sandwich as she hit the plastic wrap covering the doorway, and the sandwich was mashed against her face. AS she started swearing, everybody except for Wesker started laughing Wesker just smirked to himself.

"I have fucking bologna up my nose!" Julie screamed as she wiped her face off. "Who did that?!" Everybody pointed to Wesker and me.

"it was mostly Wesker," I said.

"Mhm, I'm sure." Julie tore the plastic wrap down from the doorway.

"All that laughing reminded me of something," I said.

"And what would that be?" Wesker asked.

I jumped up. "I have to piss like a pregnant race horse with an abnormally small bladder!" I called over my shoulder as I ran towards the bathroom.

After I washed my hands, I walked back into the room where everybody else was. Or at least, where they should've been. The room was empty.

"hello?" I called.

"We're in here!" said a muffled voice from the closet.

"Why-" I was cut off by a low moan coming from behind the couch. I stopped in my tracks as Jill rose up to her feet. Her arms were stretched out in front of hr, and she moaned again.

"OH MY GOD IT'S A ZOMBIE!"I screamed at the top of my lungs as I ran over to the closet door. As I started to pound on the closet door, I heard laughter from the other side. "Let me in!"

As the Jill-zombie came closer, I grabbed the nearest chair.

"Get away from me!" I screamed as I hit it with the chair. 'DIE ZOMBIE!" I hit it repeatedly with until it started laughing.

"Stop!" Jill gasped through bursts of laughter.

"What the…" Jill was rolling on the floor laughing and everybody stepped out of the closet.

"Jill, you should've bitten her!" Julie said as she giggled.

"I couldn't, she was beating me with a chair!"

"So…Jill isn't a zombie?" I asked.

"No. By the way, this was Julie's idea," Chris said.

"Actually, it was Chris's idea," Julie clarified. "I just put it into action."

"Then it'll be Chris that I'll be getting back at," I said.

"But I see it coming, so you won't be able to. Ha!"

"We'll see about that."

Since Chris was expecting me to do something, I decided to send Claire to do my dirty work. She agreed to go through with it because she liked to make Chris angry. I made sure that I was within earshot.

"Chris?" Claire said as she approached Chris. "We need to talk."

"What about?"

"Well…I'm pregnant."

Chris's eyes practically bulged out of his head. "You're WHAT?!"

"You don't have to shout."

"Yes I do! Who's is it? Anybody I know?"

Claire nodded towards Wesker, who was preoccupied with cleaning off his sunglasses. Chris's face turned red.

"Wesker!" Wesker looked up as he put his sunglasses back on.

"What is it about this time? Is this something recent, or just some grudge you've have bottled up inside of you?"

"You know what you did!" Chris shouted as he ran over to Wesker and tackled him. The chair Wesker was in fell over backwards, and Chris was punching a very surprised Wesker in the face. Wesker somehow darted out from under him faster than anybody's eyes could follow, and Chris stood up and turned around, looking for him. He found himself flying across the room and was pinned to the wall by his wrists.

"Now," Wesker said, slightly amused. "What's this all about? You've been able to go ten hours without attacking me, did you finally snap?"

"No!" Chris shouted as he tried to break free from Wesker. "You got my sister pregnant!"

Wesker cracked a smile and looked over at Claire, who was sitting with me as we laughed and took turns pointing at them.

No, Chris. I don't go for the red-heads."

"What are you talking about?! You got my baby sister pregnant, you filthy-"

"It would appear that Claire was helping Nikki," Wesker said as he let go of him.

"What?" He looked over and saw Claire and me laughing. "Claire! Why?"

Claire shrugged. "You almost got your ass kicked!"

I backed away as Chris started shouting at Claire.

"Why is somebody always shouting here?" Alfred asked. "I mean, really. You never see me shouting like that."

Julie held up a picture of a donkey with Alexia's face photoshopped onto it.

"Filth!" Alfred screeched as he lunged towards her. He backed off after Julie tased him.

"I'll kill you!" he shouted.

"Quite shouting," Julie mocked. "You're giving me a headache."

A few minutes later…

Leon was asleep with Jill and Claire asleep on both of his shoulders, Julie was using a mirror to see is she had any bologna in her nose, Alfred was shredding the picture of Alexia that Julie had given him, Wesker was dozing off on the couch, I was painting Wesker's sunglasses black, and Chris was glaring at Leon, Claire, and Jill.

To be continued…

**A/N: I hope you people enjoyed this chapter more than the last one. I made this one longer to compensate for the suckishness of the last one. Also, I would love to hear some feedback on this. Remember. No reviews=No more chapter.**


	13. The Apartment, Part 10

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, The Wizard of Oz, Pyramid Head, Labyrinth, Dane Cook's crab dream, or Mr. Clean.

Hour 11 of 24

The whole room was silent for once as Julie, Nikki, Chris, Claire, Jill, Alfred, Leon, and Wesker slept. Julie's eye twitched as she dreamed…

"I have bologna in my nose." She was standing in the middle of the room with a tissue in her hand, staring at the obese cat that sat on the couch. She blew her nose into the tissue, and when she looked at the tissue there was a hobo only about half an inch tall in it instead of bologna.

"Why?" the hobo asked. "Why did you take my sammich?"

"Because I like making people feel bad about themselves," Julie replied, looking at the tissue as if it was about to bite her.

"But I'm huuuuuuuungry," the hobo said. Then he began to grow. He grew so big that the obese cat on the couch had to leave. "I'm hungry. So I'ma eat choo!"

Julie just stared at the giant hobo apathetically as he picked her up and began to tear her apart limb by limb. As the hobo ate her head, she woke up.

Julie looked around the room for the source of the noise that had woken her up. Over on the couch, leaning on Wesker, was Nikki, giggling in her sleep.

Hour 12 of 24

In Nikki's dream, she was leaning against the wall looking at everybody else. They were all dressed oddly. Jill was dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, Chris was dressed as Toto, Julie was wearing some kind of pyramid on her head, Leon was dressed as Jareth from Labyrinth, Alfred was wearing a speedo, Claire was dressed in gothic garb, and Wesker was wearing a prom dress. Chris started barking at Nikki.

"Shut up, Toto!" Jill said as she kicked Chris.

"The world is so cruel," Claire commented. Julie made a strange groaning noise.

"Alfred, put some clothes on!" Nikki shouted.

"But I feel free!"

"I don't care, put something on before I go blind. Wesker, why are you wearing a dress?"

"Because I like the pleasant breeze between my legs, and it makes me feel pretty."

"Um…okay, then." Nikki gazed around the room. "Leon! Yes, you. Quit trying to look up Wesker's dress."

"I want to know what kind of panties he's wearing," Leon said.

"I'm not wearing any underwear," Wesker said.

"Really?" Chris said curiously. Nikki laughed. As Alfred stood up, his speedo sling-shotted off and hit Nikki in the eye, waking her up.

She woke up to see Julie staring at her.

"What?"

"You were giggling to yourself."

"Oh." Nikki looked next to her at Wesker to make sure he wasn't wearing a dress.

Hour 13 of 24

In Wesker's dream, he was walking along the street at night while it was raining. The umbrella he was holding was red and white, and it resembled the Umbrella Corporation's logo. A small child chased its soccer ball over to Wesker. The child bore a striking resemblance to Chris Redfield, though he didn't look to be more than five years old. Wesker stepped on the ball and it flattened.

"You asshole!" the child wailed. Wesker closed the umbrella and in one fluid movement impaled the boy through the chest with it. The boy gave a little squeal as he crumpled to the ground and the rain turned to blood. Wesker let it drench him as he smirked to himself. Then he woke up.

Nikki was sleeping on his shoulder, he knew that much. But he couldn't see the room, everything was dark.

"What the-" All of a sudden he could see again. Julie was standing in front of him holding the sunglasses that he had been wearing.

"Nikki painted these black," she explained.

"Terrific," he said sarcastically as he took his sunglasses. He pushed Nikki off of him and onto the floor as he starting chipping paint off of the sunglasses. Over in the corner, Alfred was whimpering in his sleep.

Hour 14 of 24

In Alfred's dream, he was trying to run away, but he wasn't moving. Behind him was a giant 50-foot crab wearing loafers with lightening shooting out of it's eyes. Its claws were gigantic, and the snapped inches away from Alfred's back. And somehow, he ended up kicking himself awake.

Alfred woke up to see Wesker chipping something off of his sunglasses and Julie smiling.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"You were just kicking yourself."

"I'd realized that," Alfred said as he rubbed his leg, the one that he had been kicking. Wesker flicked the paint he was chipping off of his sunglasses over at Chris, who was uncomfortably sprawled out in the middle of the floor.

Hour 15 of 24

In Chris's dream, he was in raccoon City because he had just gotten an anonymous tip-off that somebody was somehow selling the T Virus. As he turned a corner and looked down the street, he saw something peculiar. There were several people sitting on top of BOW's with numbers painted on them. Oswell Spencer was sitting on the shoulders of a Nemesis, Jill valentine was sitting on the shoulders of a Tyrant, Claire Redfield d was standing in a dog sled attached to five or six Cerberus, and for some reason Julie was sitting on the shoulders of Albert Wesker.

"Let the race begin!" boomed a voice that belonged to Chief Irons. The BOW's all at once came towards Chris, who woke up just in time.

He woke up to see Alfred rubbing his leg, Wesker flicking something in his general direction, and Julie playing her video game. Everybody else was asleep. He looked over at Leon to see that he still had Claire and Jill sleeping on his shoulders.

Hour 16 of 24

In Leon's dream, for some reason he was doing a commercial for Mr. Clean magic erasers. He was wearing all while.

"You have too much hair!" the person directing the commercial complained. He turned to the person next to him. " Mr. Clean is bald. Shave this guy's head."

The person the director had been talking to pulled an electric shaver out of nowhere and approached Leon.

"NOOOOOO!" Leon screamed as his beautiful hair was shaved off. He woke up screaming.

Julie walked over and punched Leon in the face as soon as she started screaming.

"You made me lose my game!" she scolded. "And you almost woke everybody else up."

"Sorry," Leon apologized. "I had a nightmare. " Claire and Jill were still asleep on his shoulders.

Hour 17 of 24

In Jill's dream, she was fighting a crimson head. Or, if you'd like to get technical, she was running away from it. She was running through the forest surrounding the Arklay Mountains, and the crimson head wasn't giving up. As Jill turned around, ready to face it, it happened.

"SPLOOSH!"

She looked down. One of her breast implants had popped! AS she fainted in the dream, she woke up in real life.

The moment she woke up, she looked down to make sure that Lefty and Righty were still intact. Yep, they were.

Hour 18 of 24

In Claire's dream, she was riding a motorcycle around on the roof of a mall.

"THUNK!"

"Oh, shit!" Claire exclaimed, stopping her bike and getting up. "Who'd I just run over?" She walked over to the body lying on the ground behind her.

"You killed me!" the body shouted angrily. Claire crouched down next to it, tears welling up in her eyes as she realized who it was.

"Leon, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you there and-what were you doing just lying there?"

"I was trying to get a tan," the dead Leon said. "And you just had to go and kill me." His eyes closed and he didn't say anything else. Claire, tears streaming down her face, raised her hands to the sky and voiced her agony.

"LUIIISSS!" She stopped and thought for a moment. "Wait, wrong name. LEOOOOON!"

She woke up to Leon shaking her shoulder. Everybody else was awake and staring at her.

"Why were you shouting my name?" Leon asked. Claire gave him a thoughtful look.

"I had the strangest dream."

"Tell me about it!" everybody else said at once.

**A/N: **Hope you liked this chapter. If you listen to Dane Cook and actually understood Alfred's dream, I hope you laughed your ass off. Please review. I'd like to hear which dream you liked best, if possible. Also, I'm open to suggestions. I've had requests that I should somehow take out one of the 6 characters and bring in Ada Wong. Should I do this, and if so who would you like me to "take out"?


	14. The Apartment, Part 11

Disclaimer: I do not own resident Evil, Spider senses, or Playgirl

**Hour 19 of 24 (2:00 AM)**

Everybody was wide-awake, despite the fact that it was two in the morning. And for some reason I woke up on the floor. Julie was playing her video game, Jill was staring at her breasts as if they might run off at any second, Claire was helping Leon fix his hair, Chris was talking about the strange dream he had had with Alfred, and Wesker was doing his best to keep me from sitting next to him on the couch.

"Come on!" I pleaded. " Just let me sit down!"

"No. You painted my sunglasses."

"I was a friendly joke. Now let me sit down!"

"No. There's plenty of floor for you to sit on."

"Let me sit on the couch, or I'll sit on your lap." He let me sit down on the couch.

"My spider senses are tingling," Julie said. Everybody looked at her. "Somebody's at the door." She got up and went to the door, out of sight. I could hear somebody mumbling, but none of us could make out what was being said. We heard the door being shut, and Julie walked back into the room with somebody following behind her. The person following her was a slightly chubby female with straightened shoulder-length reddish brown hair, brown eyes behind a pair of black and red glasses, a shirt that said "Hugs, Not Drugs," and ripped up skinny jeans.

"Tell them what you told me," Julie said to her.

"Okay," the stranger said. "There's a sign on this door that says 'Keep Out'. You people can't just go around telling people what to do." I gave her a quizzical look.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm danger. I live downstairs in this apartment complex."

"And you just decided 2 AM was as good a time as any to take a walk around the building?"

"Exactly!" she exclaimed.

"You smell like marijuana," Claire commented, wrinkling her nose. Danger turnd to her.

"I know. Hey, you're kinda hot."

"Are you a lesbian?" Chris asked.

"No, are you?" She waited for an answer, but didn't get one. "Anyways, is it all right if I just hang here with you guys?"

"No," Alfred said.

"Whoa there, little lady, don't get your panties in a knot."

"I'm not a lady!"

"you sound like one."

"She can stay," Julie and me said at the same time. Danger sat on the floor between Leon and Claire.

"Why do they call you Danger?" Leon asked. "Well, Mr. Flippyhair, would you like to find out?" she asked, winking.

"I hardly know you."

"Since when has that stopped anybody?" Danger said as she looked around the room. "Hey, you there, on the couch next to that chick."

'Are you referring to me?" Wesker asked.

"Yes. Why so serious, Playgirl centerfold?"

"What?"

"Well, you're just sitting there looking all serious, and you look like somebody who'd be in a women's porno magazine."

"Don't you have a doughnut to go eat or something?" Wesker said, obviously annoyed.

"Hey, now! I'm not that fat! I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the depth and warmth!"

Do you need some ice for that burn, Wesker? Chris asked, chuckling to himself.

"No, but you're going to need some ice if you don't stop talking."

"I'd cool Wesker down any day," I added. Wesker grimaced, but nobody else paid any attention because they were so used to me making such comments. Danger got up and went to sit down next to Jill.

"Hi," Jill greeted.

"'Ello," Danger said as she poked Jill's boob.

'What are you doing?" Jill asked cautiously.

"Pokin' a boob."

Why?"

"Because they're so pathetic next to mine. Mine are real." Jill scowled at her and moved over to sit next to Chris.

"What'd she say about hers being real?" Chris asked.

"Nothing."

When Jill moved away, danger got up and went over to Julie, who was pushing many different buttons on her video game very quickly in specific combinations.

"No, 'B', damn it, 'B'!" Julie said loudly as she pressed the buttons.

"F13! F13!" Danger screamed. Julie stopped pushing buttons and looked up at danger as the words "YOU LOST THE GAME" flashed across her screen. "Sorry, you were just listing off random letters, I figured I'd just join in the fun."

Julie turned her game off, neatly set it down next to her, and tackled danger.

"Danger is in Danger!" she exclaimed as Julie started ounching her in the face repeatedly. Leon pulled Julie off, and she ran off into the shadows.

"Thanks," Danger said as Leon helped her up. "I owe you something."

"What?"

"Probably a hand-job, maybe a blow-job."

"Are you a prostitute?"

"Yes."

"I've got a buck thirty, how long will that get me?"

'About a minute, maybe two."

"Just long enough! Let's go."

As Leon and Danger headed off for the other room, Claire scolded Leon and Julie hissed from the shadows. There was a knock on the door before Danger and Leon reached the other room. "Police, open up."

"Dammit," Julie swore as she slunk out of the shadows. "If any of you say anything to them about you being here against your wishes, I'll gouge your eyes out."

"You'll never take me alive!" Danger shouted as the door was kicked open. She ran to the window and tried in vain to open it, but it was barred. She was taken down and hand cuffed by a rather large cop.

'You're under arrest for innumerable accounts of prostitution, two accounts of grand theft auto, robbery, and murder in the first degree."

"I swear, the knife slipped out of my hand!" As the cop frisked her, he pulled a large bag of week out of hr back pocket.

"That's not mine!" Danger panicked. "It's his!" She pointed at Alfred.

"He comes, too," the cop said and the other cop cuffed Alfred and dragged him and Danger out.

"It's not mine, she's lying!" Alfred shrieked. He spat in the officer's eyes as he disappeared out of view.

**A/N: So, I'll be bringing in Ada next time I do and Apartment chapter. Also, please tell me your opinions on this "danger" character. Next chapter is probably just going to be a bunch of bloopers, and the one after that a special chapter. Then I'll bring Ada in. **


	15. Epic Failures

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or Twister

Author's Note: Okay, so technically we're not supposed to have bloopers, so let'

SO just call these "Epic Failures". In these Epic Failures, sometimes the characters will be out of character, but that's okay, seeing as this is just for shits and giggles. Also…yay, I typed up 2 chapters in one night!

* * *

Danger opened the door to the bathroom to see Wesker standing in front of the toilet.

"Dammit, I can't go when I'm being watched!" Wesker exclaimed.

"I'll just go to the bathroom and leave, then," Danger reasoned.

"Well, you can't very well go to the bathroom right now, there's only one toilet."

"Oh, that's okay," Danger said as she squatted over the sink.

* * *

"'Ello," Danger said as she poked Jill's boob.

"What are you doing?" Jill asked cautiously. Instead of replying, Danger tackled Jill and they fell to the floor.

"Gang-rape!" Claire shouted as she joined them on the floor.

* * *

Julie was pushing many different buttons in specific patterns. All of a sudden, a button popped off and hit her in the eye.

"Fuck!"

* * *

Nikki took Wesker's hand and placed it on her crotch. He jerked his hand away and had a look of sheer horror on his face.

"Oh my god, you have a penis!"

* * *

Wesker fiddled with his cell phone to make sure we hadn't done anything to it. His face went pale.

"What?" Ashley asked as she snatched the cell phone. "Ew…"

'What is it?" Leon asked. "Wait, that's a-"

"It's Nikki's penis," Wesker finished.

* * *

When Julie and Nikki had taken Green Herb…

"The walls are hairy!" Julie shouted.

"No they aren't," Chris said.

"Yes they are! Look-" Julie stopped talking. We looked over in time to see a giant mouth appear in the hairy wall and eat Julie whole.

* * *

"What the hell-" Wesker said as he woke up and looked down. "Nikki quit humping my leg!"

* * *

"You smell like marijuana," Claire stated.

"Yes, I know," Danger said as she turned to Claire. "Hey, you're kinda hot."

"Right back atcha," Claire said, winking.

* * *

When Nikki turned back towards the couch after talking to Julie, what she saw scarred her for life. Alfred was sitting on Wesker's lap, making out with him.

"Get that fucking camera out of my face!" Wesker said. The camera was covered, and we know not what happened next.

* * *

As Matthew jumped on Alfred's back and Logan tased him, we heard a snapping sound.

"What was that?" Chris wondered.

"His spine," Logan giggled.

"I can't feel my legs!"

* * *

"Okay, so the Twister match has come down to this. Alfred and Wesker, get ready to kick it up a notch!" As Julie said this, a disco ball appeared out of nowhere and we were bathed in rapidly flashing rainbow lights. Chris had a seizure. "Super twister!" Julie said.

"We're going to die!" Alfred complained.

"Twenty bucks says I can make Wesker lose by giving Alfred a move," Julie said.

"I'll take that bet," Jill said, pulling a twenty-dollar bill out of her bra.

"Alfred, right hand on Wesker's left testicle." Alfred shrugged and complied. Wesker fell over in shock.

'I've been violated!"

* * *

**A/N: **Some of this shit made me laugh my ass off, so I hope it does the same to you people. Please review; tell me which one made you laugh the hardest.


	16. Julie's Shadows

**Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, Metallica, Sherlock Holmes, or GI Joe.**

As Julie walked along the allies in the shadows, dragging Ashley Graham's body behind her, she thought to herself _"what a mad world this is."_ She was walking alone with nobody but the hobos around. A hobo leaning against the wall smiled a toothless smile and waved to her.

When Julie dropped the body off in the dumpster near by, somebody popped up from under all of the corpses. This somebody was Danger, who was holding a wallet in one hand and a watch in the other.

"Look what I found!" Danger exclaimed.

"What are you doing in there with the bodies?"

"Well, for one thing, one of my hobbies is pick-pocketing dead people, and for another, I'm a necrophiliac." With that, Danger dove back into the dumpster. Julie shuddered and walked away. As she was on her way back to the shadows. She wondered how it would feel to be embraced by death's sweet abyss…

"Dammit!" she shouted. "Who left their gum here?! I just stepped in it!" A giggle game from the dumpster, followed by a low moan. Julie practically leapt into the shadows.

Another time after jumping into the shadows of the apartment…

Julie was in her bedroom, humming Metallica riffs to herself as she tried to find her videogame.

"It's either in my closet, on the windowsill, or in the refrigerator," she said to herself. "I need to hire myself a Sherlock Holms, then my stuff wouldn't stay lost for so long."

She went to the window and screamed as something hit the glass. Julie startled easily. She heard a giggling from outside and she threw the window open. Matthew and Logan, Nikki's little brothers, were standing there throwing GI Joe's at her window.

"WHACK!"

One hit her in the face.

"I'm going to kill you two!" she shouted. Logan and Matthew screamed like little girls as Julie dragged them into the shadows.

Some time after that…

Julie was walking through the ally when she tripped on something and fell to the ground. She looked over to see that she had tripped over the legs of a hobo It was the same hobo that had waved to her earlier; the box he was living in was so small that his legs stuck out. He was eating a sandwich.

"I'm thorry!" the hobo apologized. He had a lisp because he was missing his front teeth. Julie stood up, kicked the hobo in the shins, and ran off with the sandwich. The hobo stared after her with bid, sad brown eyes.

A/N: I hardly got any reviews for the last two chapters I posted, so I just half-assed my way through this chapter. I'm sorry, but I feel very uninspired at the moment. I'm sorry I made you wait so long for such a crappy chapter, but…Don't worry, I've already written the next chapter of The Apartment, it should be up soon.

**If you want me to post said chapter, I need reviews. I'd really like to hear some opinions on this "Danger" character. More specifically, the person I based her off of would like to know. **

**Also, I've been suffering from severe writer's block. Any ideas are very welcome. **


	17. The Apartment, Part 12

Disclaimer: Own Resident Evil, I do not.

**Author's Note: PLEASE READ THE AFTER-NOTE. IMPORTANT QUESTIONS**

**Hour 20 of 24**

Jill and Claire were talking about bras, Leon was listening to them intently, Chris was trying his best to stay awake, Wesker was cleaning his sunglasses off, and me and Julie just got finished tell our new captive Ada Wong, the basics of what was and had been going on. Her gaze traveled across the room, and her face lit up when she saw Leon.

"Leon." When he managed to tear his attention away from Jill and Claire's enthralling conversation about bras, his eyes bulged out of his head. Ada was wearing a short red nightgown. They stared at each other for a while, then Leon crossed his legs and Ada sat down next to him, joining in Claire and Jill's conversation.

"Oh, I never wears a bra," she said. I stopped listening to them then.

"So, Wesker," I said. "Watcha doin'?

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"Nothing you need to know of," Wesker said as he fiddled with his phone.

"You know I'm not going to leave you alone until you tell me."

"I might as well. Given your mental capacity, you won't be able to figure it out."

"You're so mean to me."

"I have 131 missed calls, all from the people who are under my command in the company I work for."

"Oh. Maybe it's some kind of joke?"

"They wouldn't have the gall." Wesker was fiddling with his phone when the phone hanging of the wall rang.

"How did we not notice that hone there before?" Chris wondered out loud. Claire, who was closest to the phone, answered it.

"Hello…Yes, this is…Hold on. Nikki and Julie, it's for you." Julie took the phone and put it on loudspeaker.

"Hello?"

"Hey! I need you two's help!" We recognized the voice to be Danger's. "This is my one phone call before they lock me up, and you two are the only people I've talked to in a while that I can remember. Other than Leon, of course. Tell him I said hi."

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Have either of you ever been to law school?"

"No," I said. Julie shook her get, forgetting that Danger couldn't see her.

"Dammit! I need a lawyer!" She hung up.

"That was interesting," Ada commented.

"That? Psh, that was nothing," Chris said. "You haven't seen half of what goes on here."

"Danger, the one they were talking to, is a crazed prostitute," Claire said. Ada made an "O" shape with her mouth and continued talking with Jill, Claire, and Leon. They were now on the subject of jock cups.

'Okay!" I said to get everybody's attention. Everybody looked at me. Except for Julie, who glared at me. Yes, looking and glaring are two totally different things.

"You made me lose my game," she said blatantly.

"Sorry, but I wanted to say something. Okay…" I pulled a camera out from under the sofa; I had had Julie bring the camera from the shadows a few hours earlier. "So that we can remember the good times we've had here, I'm going to take all of your pictures."

"You not taking my picture," Wesker said.

"We'll see about that! Anyways," I continued. "I'll take your pictures in groups of two. How about Claire and Leon first. Stand over there." I pointed to a spot in the room.

"I'm going to turn off the lights so that the picture is a surprise," Julie said. The room went dark.

"Leon and Claire, smile!" I said as I took the picture. The flash from the camera illuminated them momentarily. On the lighted up screen of the digital camera, Claire was smiling brightly, but Leon was staring at Claire's breasts. "Um…I'll show you guys how the pictures turn out later. Chris and Julie, your turn!" The next picture actually didn't turn out too bad. Julie was glaring at the camera, and Chris was smiling mischeviously.

"Turn on the light a minute," Claire said. "I can't see where I'm standing." As the lights went on, everybody looked down at themselves.

"Redfield!" Wesker shouted at he rushed over to Chris. Everybody's pants were unzipped.

"Don't hurt him!" I pleaded as Wesker grabbed him by the front of the shirt. "it's not his fault he has a zipper fetish!"

Wesker, still fuming, opened to door of the closet, threw Chris inside so hard that he was knocked unconscious, and slammed the door shut.

"How come your zippers not unzipped?" Leon asked Julie.

"he didn't get my zipper, because I saw him coming. I can see in the dark."

"And that's not creepy at all," Jill said sarcastically.

"Jill and Ada, you two are next," I said, and Julie turned the lights off as soon as they were in place.

"You stupid bitch, you just stepped on my foot!" Ada shouted at Jill in the dark.

"Accidents happen, so watch your mouth, slut," Jill retorted. Ada's comeback came in the sound of a "POP!" I took the picture as soon as I heard this noise. Julie turned the lights on, and I looked at the screen of the camera before I looked up to see what had happened. In the picture, Ada had a satisfied look on her face, and Jill…well, Jill only had one breast. I looked up.

"Y-y-you popped it!" Jill whimpered. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"You had it coming," Ada said. Claire shot Ada a dirty look and went to comfort Jill/

"It's okay, Jill. You look practically the same! Who needs two anyway?"

Wesker was over on the couch, rubbing his neck because apparently the last time the lights were off, Julie had given him more sedative.

"Hey, Wesker, say cheese!" I said as I pointed the camera at him. He shielded his face with his arms. "Alright, fine. I'll let it slide for now, but I will get that picture before you leave."

"You should get a picture of yourself, too," Leon said.

"Later. Okay, Jill? What are you doing?" Over in the corner, Jill was stuffing a piece of fruit down her shirt.

"Nothing…okay, Claire, does this look alright?" Jill asked hopefully.

"Eh…no, no not really. One's a lot bigger than the other."

"Dammit!"

**A/N: Okay, so I had writer's block for a very long time. And I've been spending more time on more bloopers that'll be posted after Hour 24. I've run out of ideas. So I'd like to ask you readers a few questions. One, did you like this chapter? Two, is it okay if I just skip ahead to the last chapter? I've run out of ideas for The Apartment. And 3. Can anybody here draw? Because for a few of these chapters, I can really see this happening in cartoon form. Imagine a little manga Wesker. How cute! So, if anybody would be willing to draw a few scenes for me, please PM me! Review! NOW!!!**


	18. The Apartment, Part 13

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil, Dr. Phil, I Never, (if you watch LOST, then you'll notice that I used a particular quote from Sawyer) the Dane Cook joke that I used, or Twilight.

HOUR 21 OF 24

Jill was complaining about how unfair it was that she only had one boob, Chris was still unconscious in the closet, Claire was trying to keep Jill and Ada from killing each other, Julie was glaring at Claire for trying to keep the peace, Leon was watching me and Wesker, and I was trying to pet Wesker

S hair.

"But it's so aerodynamic and smooth!" I exclaimed.

"Leave me alone. Get your hands off of my head, right now," Wesker said as he pushed my hands away. I moved my hands back and continued stroking his hair. "You know what? Fine. Do what you want, I'm ignoring you." Wesker stared straight ahead and acted as if I weren't there.

"Come on, Wesker, don't be like that." No reply "I'm still petting your hair." No reply. "I want to have your babies." No reply. "Don't make me tase you." No reply. I took Wesker's sunglasses off of him and put them on my own face. "Look! I'm just like you!" Wesker continued to stare straight ahead, not saying anything. I stood in front of him and waved my arms around. "Don't make me sit on your lap!" No reply. "I'll break these sunglasses." That got his attention.

"Just give them to me."

"Nope." I dangled them in front of my face a yard or two away from him. Suddenly Wesker was standing right in front of me, and he took the sunglasses away from me, putting them back on himself.

"What's his problem?" Julie asked.

"He's Wesker, that's the problem," Leon commented.

"No, I think he's PMSing," I said. Just then the door to the closet opened, and Chris stepped out with a hand on his head, probably where he's hit the back of the closet.

"Chris came out of the closet," Ada said, mildly amused. Claire giggled.

'Don't let him see me like this! I'm missing a breast!" Jill whispered, hiding behind Claire. Wesker glared at Chris, who hid behind Leon.

"I hate my life," Chris said blatantly.

"Tell me about it," Julie said as she pulled a bottle of vodka out of the shadows and passed it to him. He downed it in less than two minutes.

"I hate my life," Chris repeated, very drunk now.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Leon asked.

"No," Chris said from behind him.

"Don't make me go Dr. Phil on your ass," Leon threatened.

"Alright, alright. My childhood sucked, I'm obsessed with unzipping pants, Wesker's constantly kicking my ass, and my girlfriend only has one tit."

"He saw!" Jill gasped.

"Why did your childhood suck?" Leon asked.

"Me and Claire's parents died when we were kids and out foster parents were nudists."

"They ran around naked?" Ada inquired.

"No, but they tried to get other people to run around naked."

"Okay, then," Leon said. "Yeah, your life does pretty much suck."

"Thank you for agreeing with me," Chris said, and passed out.

"Just leave him there," Julie instructed. "If he's dead, I'll hide the body later."

"How does it feel, knowing that you're part of the reason why Chris hates his life?" Ada taunted Jill.

"You're the one that did this!" Jill said, pointing to the empty spot on her chest.

"Both of you stop arguing!" Claire said. Julie threw a rock from the shadows at her.

"Shut up, just let them kill each other!" Julie said eagerly, hoping that they would really kill each other.

"I would pop one of yours, but you've got nothing there to pop," Jill said.

"That would be because mine are real." Jill stuck her tongue out at Ada, and Ada flipped her off in return. Jill tackled Ada, who tried to bite her as she pulled her hair.

"Stupid Asian!" Jill screamed as she scratched her.

"Damn, girl fights are mean," Leon commented.

"Stab her! Rip her eyes out!" Julie encouraged.

"What does me being Asian have to do with this?! Ada exclaimed, slapping Jill across the face.

"Absolutely nothing!"

**5 minutes later…**

Both Jill and Ada were lying on the floor panting, staring up at the ceiling. They were covered in scratches and bruises, and clumps of hair littered the floor.

"You're lucky I'm so exhausted, or I'd so be over there kicking you ass," Ada said.

"Sure. That's about as likely as Wesker giving Nikki a hug."

"Hey, why are you guys so mean to me?" I asked. "It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

"You're not black," Julie stated. "In fact, your pretty much the opposite."

"I know, I just wanted to say that."

"You know what we should do?" Leon asked.

"What?"

"We should play I Never. Julie, could you get something for us to drink?"

"Yep." Julie reached into the shadows and pulled out a beer for everybody except for Nikki, who she got an orange soda for.

"What's with the soda?" Claire asked.

"Beer makes Nikki sick."

"Oh. So, is somebody going to tell us what I Never is?"

"It goes like this," I said as Julie passed around the drinks. "One of us says something that they've never done, and if anybody else has done it, then they take a drink."

"Somebody wake Chris up," Julie said. Jill shook him awake, and he was still drunk.

"You don't really expect me to participate," Wesker commented as Claire filled Chris in.

"If you don't, you'll get tased," Julie said. "And anybody who lies gets tased, too."

"I wanna go first!" Chris exclaimed. "Okay, I never…got kicked out of a theater." Julie and me were the only ones who took a drink. "How?"

"Well," I said, "me and Julie were waiting for the movie to start, and the people behind us were squeaking their sneakers on the floor, complaining about how sticky the floor was. So I turned around and said 'Yeah, I just came.'"

"But…that would only work if you were a guy," Claire said.

"Nah, it was just as funny. Anyways, my turn. I never killed anybody." Jill, Chris, Leon Claire, Ada, Wesker, and Julie all took a drink. I was the only one who hadn't. "I feel so alone!"

"My turn," Julie said. "I never…burned a book." Jill and I took a drink.

"It was cold, the power was out, we had no heat, and I head to burn something," Jill explained.

"It was twilight for me," I said. "Made a great bonfire, enough said."

"My turn." Jill stated. "I never slept with a prostitute." Leon was the only one who took a drink. Claire glared at him.

"What? Stop giving me that look!" Leon exclaimed. "Okay, I never got hit by a car." Surprisingly, nobody took a drink.

"I haven't personally gotten hit by a car, but it's fun watching other people get hit. Especially when they just roll up the windshield and fall down behind the car!" Julie said, giggling. Everybody stared at her, but she ignored them.

"I never had a one-night stand," Claire said. Ada, Leon, and Wesker took a drink. I gaped at Wesker.

"Open your mouth a little wider, you might catch a fly," Wesker said. I closed my mouth and looked over at Leon, who was still drinking.

"I think that's enough," Jill said. Leon stopped drinking.

"Well, I had to take a drink for each one."

A/N: I'm sorry I've been ending chapters very abruptly, but I just can't think of anything else for this chapter. I hope you people are happy that I wrote at the very least one more chapter. I hope it's funnier than the last few. Also thank you readers for the ideas. Got any more? (LOL) Please review.

**Oh, wait! I almost forgot! The never chapter is going to be just another random "What If" chapter. In your reviews, I need you to ask a question, starting with what if, followed by a characters name, and an action. Or even What Would. Example…what would Nikki do if you gave her a condom? What if Leon opened his own hair salon? Stuff like that. You can ask as many questions as you like, and I'll try to answer as many questions as I have answers to. Ask away :D**


	19. What If

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or Chuck Norris

**Author's Note: This was a "What If" chapter. Not all of the people in these are in character, but that's because I'm hoping this will be at least some-what funny. I'm sorry if I wasn't able to answer your question.**

What if Leon opened his own hair salon?: Women, children, and emos would line up to get their hair cut here. It would be called "Kennedy's"

What if Wesker were to open his own business?: If would be a hair salon next to "Kennedy's" put there to rival Leon. You would get high just by walking inside because of all of the hair gel used. It would be called "Alberto".

What if Jill's last breast popped?: She would give up completely, take steroids, and live happily ever after with Rebecca Chambers.

What if instead of steroids, Chris took LSD?: He would think that Wesker's leg was a beautiful woman and try to hump it.

What if Claire was actually pregnant with Wesker's child?: Chris would die instantly from the shock, and Wesker would punch Claire in the stomach/uterus for a do-it-yourself abortion.

What if Ada was a prostitute?: Are you kidding me? She already is. How did you think she and Leon knew each other?

What if Wesker had to choose between sleeping in the same bed as Chris, or sleeping in the same bed as Nikki?: He would choose Nikki, and the dialogue would go something like this…

Nikki: Wesker, why do I have to seep in a plastic bubble?

Wesker: Because we're in bed together, and I don't trust you while I'm sleeping.

What if Wesker and Nikki "did it"?: There are many possibilities for this one, but let's go with this. Nikki would become pregnant with awesomeness and give birth to Chuck Norris nine months later.

**A/N: **Once again, I'm sorry if I wasn't able to answer some of your questions. Thank you for continuing to read, even though I'm running out of ideas. I hope this was at least an okay chapter, please review. No reviews = No more The Apartment


	20. The Apartment, Part 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil

**Hour 22 of 24**

Chris and Wesker were making out, Julie was running around naked, Nikki was tearing up a picture of Wesker, Ada and Jill were having a civilized discussion, Leon was talking to himself about possibly becoming a priest, and Claire was off in a corner masturbating. No, not really. But I had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Okay, this is what was really happening.

Chris was still drunk, Leon had hiccups from drinking too fast, I was bragging about finally having gotten a picture of Wesker before he smashed the camera (I was able to safely get the memory card out of it, heehee), Julie was collecting the empty beer bottles, Ada was trying to scare the hiccups out of Leon, Jill was plotting Ada's demise, and Claire was bothering Wesker about who his one-night stand(s?) had been with.

"Stop annoying Wesker!: I shouted at Claire. "That's my job! Sheesh. Next thing you know, you'll be trying to get in his pants, too!"

"I was just curious," Claire said.

"That's what she said!" Chris called from the corner. Claire went of to go help eon get rid of his hiccups.

"So, who was this one-night stand with, and how many of them were there?"

"It was only one."

"Oh, come on, give details! Details, man, details!"

"I don't see how my sex life is any of your business."

"Meh."

'What?"

"I said 'meh'. It's what I say when I have nothing else to say."

Over on the other side of the room, Ada and Claire were trying to stop Leon from hiccupping. Ada smacked him.

"Ow! Not helping!"

"Did it shock you?" Claire asked. "Are you still hiccupping?" Leon hiccupped.

"Dammit!" Ada swore.

"Will you stop that? You're annoying me!" Julie complained. Leon stuck his tongue out at her, but hiccupped at the same time and ended up biting his own tongue. Julie laughed and walked over to me.

"You know how there are shadows everywhere?" Julie asked.

'Yeah, why?"

"Well, I have this empty box I've been wanting to put over somebody to see what happens. Right now Leon's testing my patience."

"Do it," Wesker encouraged. He had over-heard because I was sitting next to him. As soon as Leon wasn't looking, Julie snuck up behind him with a box that was about two feet by two feet. The next time he hiccupped, she put it over his head. Leon started screaming almost instantly.

'GET IT OFF OF ME, GET IT OFF OF ME!" he shrieked. "OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?!" Julie took the box off of his head and he stopped screaming. His eyes were glazed over, and he was as unresponsive as a bologna sandwich.

'Leon? Are you okay?" Ada asked. "What did you see?"

"You'll have to show me how you did that," Wesker said to Julie, chuckling. Leon was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor, staring straight ahead. Julie was standing in front of him. Leon hiccupped.

"NOOO!" Julie screamed and roundhouse kicked him in the head. Leon fell over sideways and hiccupped again. Julie jumped on him and started beating him, but he didn't move. Jill pulled her off of him and pushed her away. Julie tased Leon once more for good measure and scampered into the shadows. Chris, being as drunk as he was, tried to jump in after her. He bounced off of the wall, unconscious.

"This just keeps getting better," Wesker said, amused.

'I could make it even better," I said, winking. Wesker moved a few feet away from me.

"Well, Leon stopped hiccupping," Claire announced. "But he has a black eye."

"Good," a small voice that belonged to Julie called out from the shadows. "I don't suppose you care about your unconscious brother lying in my shadows."

"No, not really."

"I do!" Jill piped in. She walked over to the shadows and dragged Chris by the arms to the other side of the room. Wesker kicked him in the ribs as he was dragged past him.

"Alright, Wesker,"" Jill said. "Just because you're the only conscious male in here doesn't mean that you have to be arrogant and full of testosterone. Leon Chris alone."

"I would have kicked him regardless of if he were conscious or not."

"Still! Just because you're the only guy who's awake in here doesn't mean that you're in charge!"

"I did nothing to suggest that I was taking control. If I wanted to be in charge, I would be. Where are you going with this?"

"See! You're so sexist!"

"I-"

"Just shut up!"

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that you only have one breast and are hormonally stressed out?" Ada asked Jill.

"Leave me alone!"

"Oh my god, what is that?!" Leon shrieked, snapping out of his trance. "And why do I have a headache?"

"What's what?" Ada asked.

"That!" We all looked to where Leon was pointing. On the back of the couch, right behind Wesker's shoulder, was a little white mouse with red eyes. Leon, screaming like a girl, hid behind Claire.

"Awww, it's so cute!" Chris squealed.

"It kind of reminds me of an ex boyfriend," Ada said. Wesker glared at the mouse. The mouse, scared by Wesker's steely gaze, squeaked and hopped to the middle of the floor.

"Let me kill it!" Julie shouted eagerly, jumping at it with a fly swatter.

"No!" Claire defied as she scooped the mouse up. "This little mouse is a living thing, too!"

"Not for long!" Julie slapped Claire with the fly swatter, and the mouse bit Claire's hand at the same time. As Claire dropped the mouse, Chris came diving out of nowhere, catching the mouse just before it hit the ground.

"Whoo! I did that when I was drunk and everything!" Chris said as he did a victory dance. Without thinking, he slammed the mouse down to the ground as if it were a football. Claire screamed.

"Where's he go?" We all looked around, but it was nowhere in sight. Then our gaze slowly turned to Jill.

"What?" Little did she know the mouse was nibbling on her remaining breast. Until she looked down. "Get it off of me!" Ada ran over to her, picked the mouse up by the tail, and tossed it to Claire, who caught it.

"Let me kill it!" Julie said, smacking Claire with the fly swatter again.

"Here, catch!" Claire shouted as she tossed the mouse to Leon. Leon screamed and backed away. The mouse sat on the floor. I ran at the mouse, and in one fluid movement I punted the mouse into the shadows. It made a loud squeak as my foot came into contact with it, and Julie dove into the shadows after it.

"Problem solved," I said as I dusted my hands off.

**A/N: **Yeah. So there, another chapter. Once again, I hope it's better than what I've been doing. This chapter was very random, and I had no idea what I was doing when I sat down to write.

Oh, hey, guess what? Two more chapters of The Apartment left. Then I'll post some more bloopers, and we'll see where I'll go from there. Please review, and thank you for reading. Please tell me if it's better or worse than my last few chapters.


	21. Epic Failures 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, Rock Band, any Girl Scout cookies mentioned, Geico, Mr. T, or the "Respect" thing.

**Author's Note:** These are Epic Failures (bloopers) and they were supposed to come after the last chapter, but I haven't updated in forever because I don't have anything written yet. So I'll post these now, and maybe a few after the last chapter. One or two of these you wouldn't get unless you watched the voice bloopers in Degeneration. Well…enjoy.

* * *

In Wesker's dream, he was walking along the street in the rain. A small child kicked it's soccer ball over to him. He stepped on the ball, and it deflated. As the child got closer, he noticed something quite strange. The child had Julie's face.

"You made me lose my game!" she shouted as she tackled him to the ground and hit him repeatedly with a phone book.

* * *

Wesker opened the door to the closet to see Nikki sitting inside, bowing to a giant picture of him with flowers all around it.

"Um…is that a shrine?" he asked.

"Yeah," Nikki said as she stopped bowing and looked up at him.

"Why are my eyes closed in that picture?"

"I took it when you were sleeping."

Wesker turned around d and walked away silently.

* * *

Ada was wearing a short red nightgown, and there was some odd lump between her legs. Leon's eyes bugged out of his head.

"Ada, you have a Wong!"

* * *

One time, after Leon thoroughly annoyed Julie…

Julie walked over to Leon, grabbed his nipple, and pulled something out through his shirt. It was a piercing.

"How did you know that was there?!" Leon said through teeth clenched in pain.

"Womanly intuition."

"You're a woman?"

"Don't make me rip out that other piercing." Leon covered his crotch.

* * *

Wesker was sitting on the couch, when all of a sudden he jumped up and cried out. Because there were shadows in the couch, Julie had been able to hide in the cushions and punch Wesker in the ass. Why, I do not know.

* * *

Nikki walked into the room with tears streaming down her face and something hanging loosely in her hand.

"What's the matter?" Leon asked.

"And what's that?" Jill added. Nikki held up the limp object for everybody to see as she started crying again.

"My penis fell off!"

* * *

There was a knock on the door, and Julie went to see who it was. Standing outside the door was the Merchant.

"What're ya buyin', strangah?" he said in a gravelly voice. "I got Thin Mints, Butter Yums, Shortbread-"

"I'm not buying any Girl Scout cookies," Julie said and slammed the door in his face.

* * *

"Oh my god, what is that!?" Claire shrieked as she pointed out the window.

"What, that?" Wesker asked, looking towards where she was pointing. "That's the money you could be saving by switching to Geico."

The stack of bills with google eyes stared at them.

* * *

"Julie, there's something I need to tell you," Leon said.

"What's that?"

"My fee…is too damn good."

* * *

"I'm sorry, just a minute," Nikki said as she turned away from everybody else. All anybody else saw were her hands moving near her zipper. "Sorry about that, I had to adjust my junk."

"I thought that thing fell off?" Chris inquired.

"It did. A new one grew in its place. And this one shoots lasers."

* * *

I looked at the lit up screen of the digital camera. Leon was smiling brightly, but Claire was staring at his breasts.

* * *

"Alright," Claire said. "I never had sex." Everybody else drank except for Wesker. Nikki fell over in shock.

"Wesker's a virgin!"

* * *

"Where'd he go?!" We all looked around for the mouse, but it was nowhere in sight. Then we looked at Wesker, who had a tail sticking out of his mouse.

"Spit it out!" We all shouted in unison.

* * *

The mouse glared at Wesker, and Wesker, scared by the mouse's steely gaze, squeaked and hopped to the floor.

* * *

When Julie lifted the box off of Leon's head…well, it wasn't Leon anymore. It was Mr. T, but with Leon's body.

"I will kill you dead, fool!"

* * *

Leon hiccupped.

"NOOO!" Julie screamed and roundhouse kicked Leon in the head. The force of the kick was so strong that Leon's head rolled off of his shoulders, flew across the room, and landed in Ada's lap.

* * *

As Nikki's foot connected with the mouse, Nikki exploded. Respect the mouse. Respect it!

* * *

Wesker slid into slight holding a Rock Band guitar and wearing nothing but a white undershirt and pink boxers while lip-synching to "Old Time Rock and Roll". He stopped playing abruptly and looked up at Ada, who he had not noticed was there.

"You do realize that I have to kill you now."

* * *

**A/N: **I hope you liked this chapter, please review. I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, and I'll try to write some more. I haven't written anything in forever, this is something I've have done…I have a confession to make. I've fallen out of love with Resident Evil. **Gasps all around**. I know, shocking. But don't worry, I'll try to get a RE game I haven't played yet so I can fall back in with it. Don't worry, I'll still be writing Senseless Nonsense with as much passion as I have been, but don't be expecting a new chapter any time soon. My computer's been down for a while, and it's only just now working again. Please review.


	22. The Apartment, Part 15

_**Disclaimer**_: I do not own Resident Evil, nor do I own Metal Gear or the Thriller

**Author's Note: **Yes, it's been a while, but here it is, another hour of The Apartment. A little warning, half the time I was writing this I was…not in the right state of mind, let's just say.

Hour 23 of 24

Leon was explaining his phobia of mice to Claire, Jill and Ada were arguing again, I was still annoying Wesker about who his one-night stand had been with, Chris was smacking himself sober, and Julie was just now reappearing from the shadows, dragging a large box behind her. As soon as Leon spotted the box, he started getting scared.

"No, not the box!"

"Relax, I'm not going to put it over you again," Julie said. "Besides, it's got something in it." Everybody, except for Wesker of course, walked over to the box and peered inside of it.

"Omigosh, they're so cute!" Claire squealed. In the box, climbing over each other, were three kittens. An orange one, a brown one, and a black and white one.

"I didn't know you were a cute and cuddly kitten kind of person," Chris mused at Julie.

"Are you kidding? I love kittens! I mean-," Julie cleared her throat, "these are my minions. The orange one is Mussolini, the brown one is Julius Caesar, and the black and white one is Adolf."

Jill and Ada both started playing with Julius Caesar. Yes, I know, they're getting along for once. Shocking, isn't it? I picked up Mussolini and brought him over to Wesker. I held him in front of Wesker's face, and as Wesker glared at the kitten, the kitten glared right back. Behind me Adolf was mewling as Chris, still partially drunk, tried to determine if it was a girl or a boy.

"Okay, Julie?" I called over my shoulder. "This is one creepy cat. He's staring down Wesker, and they've both got that 'I will kill you in your sleep' look on their faces."

"Really?" Julie walked over. "Good Mussolini," she said as she fed him a treat. "I've trained you well." Julie took the cat from my hands, and as she did so Mussolini somehow swatted Wesker's sunglasses off of his face. Wesker drew his arm back as he was about to punch the kitten, but I tackled him to the ground.

"Don't punch kittens!" I exclaimed. "It's cruel, and PETA will be on your ass like white on rice!"

"Get off of me!"

"No! Julie, flee!" Julie scampered off with the cat as Leon walked over and pried me off of Wesker. Wesker stood up, dusted himself off, and made sure to step on me on his way back to the couch.

"Look at this!" Chris said as he held Adolf up. "I can make him do the Thriller!" Julie kicked him.

"My cats don't dance, douche bag."

"Whoa, language!" Chris exclaimed. The cat gave him its best death stare. "This cat's creepier than Wesker!" Wesker glared at him. "Okay, maybe not."

Ada suddenly screamed out of nowhere, and blood poured out of her hand. Jill couldn't stop laughing.

"What happened?!" I asked. Jill pointed to Julius Caesar. He was running around with something in his mouth.

"Is that a…" Claire trailed off. Ada held up her left hand. She was missing a finger.

"You can't feed my cat fingers!" Julie scolded indignantly. "He might choke on the bones!"

Leon helped Ada stop the bleeding, while Jill continued to laugh at Ada. Ada tried to flip Jill off, but her middle finger was missing, so Jill just laughed even harder. Even Wesker chuckled a little at Ada's misfortune.

"Oh my gosh!" Chris screamed like a girl. Adolf was just now running off with one of _his_ fingers. "If I weren't drunk, this would be really painful!" Jill ran over and, still laughing, stopped Chris' finger, or lack there of, from bleeding.

"Julie, did you train your cats to do that?" I inquired.

"Yup."

Wesker was laughing at Chris' misfortune now, as well as Ada's. As Chris stopped bleeding, Wesker stopped laughing. Mussolini leapt from Julie's arms and tore another finger off of Chris. How it did so so fast, I'll never know.

"The kittens of doom strike again!" Chris exclaimed. "I'm down to 8 digits!"

"Julie, you should get those cats out f of here," I advised. "They're dangerous."

"Oh, fine," Julie sighed. "But you can't deny it, finger stealing kittens are amusing."

"Wait!" Leon exclaimed. "A regenerator taught me this." He walked around the room, touching peoples' bloody nubs where they used to have fingers. Their finger grew back! Leon flashed his award-winning smile, with the glint on his teeth and everything, and gave two thumbs up.

"I got the magic touch."

**A/N: **Well, I warned you it was going to be a bit odd. Almost as bad as Metal Gear, eh, Julie? "I grow bees in my body!" D: So, anyways. Being as the next chapter of The Apartment will be it's finale, if you've got any random questions, now's the time to ask. I'm also open to new ideas. Anyways, you know the drill. Review. NOW.

**A/A/N: Maybe the reason it took so long to write this is because I'm down to one finger? Curse you Mussolini! **


	23. Nikki and Julie's Tips to Live By

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil

**Nikki and Julie's Tips to Live By**

1: Necrophilia is not a plausible pastime

2: Pesticide does no work on mountain lions

3: Wesker's leg is not a beautiful woman, nor does it wish to be "spanked"

4: Boobs are not always as real as they may or may not look

5: Bread is not raw toast

6: Hugging Wesker is bad. Hugging Julie means global destruction. Hugging Ada means risking communicable diseases

7: Writing "I'm Gay" on Wesker's forehead while he's sleeping is only funny until he finds out who did it

8: Always sleep in your clothes; you never know when Julie's people are going to kidnap you in your sleep

9: Playing in traffic never ends well

10: If Julie's eye is twitching, just walk away

11: Locking Wesker and Chris in the same closet and taking bets on how many broken bones Chris will have by the time the door is unlocked is a good way to make money

12: Leon's hair is naturally flippy. Question this and you die.

13: Wesker's ability to move very fast is due to his aerodynamic hair

14: Wesker wears his sunglasses at night

15: Wesker's hair gel is, believe it or not, quite flammable

**A/N: Yes, this was very random. But I was bored, so I decided to throw this in there as an extra. Hope you find it entertaining. If you did find it entertaining, feel free to tell me your favorite one. Also, I figured I might as well taunt you people with this…I finished writing the last chapter of The Apartment, but I'm not posting it yet. Oh, I went there! (it might take me a while to type up, it's longer than average) **


	24. THE FINAL HOUR

Disclaimer: I do not own resident Evil, or the "Favorite Things" tune. (I did right the words for this parody, though)

**Hour 24 of 24 **Also** known as: THE FINAL HOUR!!!**

Jill was trying to find the right type of fruit to replace her popped implant, Chris was hung over and trying to sleep in the closet, Ada and Claire were having a conversation about Leon's hair, Leon was listening to both of them, Wesker was giving Julie pointers on how to kill somebody, and I was listening to him.

"-so it's best to use your bare hands. That way you can watch them die slowly."

Julie had a notepad and pen out and way taking notes.

"What's that in your mouth?" Claire asked Julie. Julie took the lollipop she had been sucking on out of her mouth.

"Baby candy."

"What?"

"It's candy she stole from a baby," I explained.

"How could you possibly be so cruel?" Claire wonders disgustedly. Julie raised an eyebrow at her.

"Pretty easily. You should try it sometime."

"I don't think I will."

"Uh-uh." Julie got up, put her notepad away, and grabbed Claire by the ankles, dragging her off into the shadows. Claire's screaming only lasted for a few seconds, and stopped abruptly.

"Hey, Wesker, you should take me into a dark corner sometime," I suggested.

"Wishful thinking," Wesker said apathetically. Chris came out of the closet (again)

"Did I hear Claire screaming?"

"Oh, don't worry. Julie just dragged her off into the shadows," Jill said, a pomegranate half sticking out of her shirt.

"Hey! I have an idea of what we should do!" I exclaimed suddenly, an idea hitting me like Julie with a phonebook. "Seeing as this is the last hour we'll be keeping you guys here…we should hold a sort of confession."

"Say what now?" Ada said, lost.

"Confessions. You know, secrets. It can be something that happened in here or not. And everybody has to tell at least one. Or else." I pulled out my taser. "Anyways, Leon, you go first. Then you get to choose who goes next."

"Uh…" he eyed the taser. He spoke quietly. "I kind of have a thing for Julie-" Everybody fell silent. Leon pointed to his hair. "-and this is a weave."

"You mean it's not naturally flippy?!" Ada said with tears in her eyes, shaking her head. "You disappoint me, Leon." She turned away from him. Everybody completely forgot about the first thing he had said, or else though they had misheard, and instead focused on the second thing. Chris snuck up behind him and ripped his "weave" off.

"Hey!" the now-bald Leon exclaimed.

"Catch!" Chris shouted, throwing the hair over Leon's head and to the couch. Wesker caught it.

"And I am holding Leon's hair…why?"

"Give me it!" I snatched it from Wesker's hand and put it on him all in one swift movement. Wesker glared at me from under the flippy weave.

"It's beautiful!" Ada said in amazement, eyes growing wide. Wesker grabbed the hair and threw it at her. It was only hair, but seeing as Wesker's last dose of sedatives was just about gone, he threw it with so much force that when it hit her in the forehead, it knocked her out.

"Mine!" Leon grabbed the hair and put it back on. It was backwards, but nobody bothered to say anything about it. "Chris, I nominate you for the next confession."

"Fine. Let me think here…okay. Claire was adopted."

"Really?" Jill asked.

"No. But it makes for a good story! Alright. When Jill and I were a couple, I cheated on her with multiple men." Jill gasped.

"What an asshole!"

"You're telling me!" Jill's eye twitched.

"Oh, I'm not surprised," I commented. "Speaking of which! You know how I made a song from Wesker's point of view? Well, I did another one, but for you, Chris. Wanna hear it?"

"Sure."

"Alright. Here goes.

Taking steroids and unzipping zippers,

Hitting on men because I like 'big dippers,'

Getting hit by Wesker, though it really stings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Hunting knives, bullets, and really big guns,

Hanging out with Jill, I like to call her 'hun,'

Flowers, rainbows, and anything that sings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Killing Lickers and watching Wesker's ass,

Hitting on Alfred, 'cause he's real high class,

Touching people in the dark; saying nothing,

These are a few of my favorite thing.

When there's a viral outbreak,

When Wesker comes back from the dead,

When I'm feeling sad,

I simply remember how gay that I am,

And then I don't feel so sad!"

Chris' face was red by the end of the song, and Wesker looked quite uncomfortable.

"Chris, do you remember out little unofficial restraining order?" Wesker asked cautiously.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just making sure."

"Okay….I choose Jill for the next confession."

"Fine, fine," Jill said, thinking. "My…boobs are fake."

"Really, we hadn't noticed," I said sarcastically. "Who do you want to go next?"

"Ada"

"She's still knocked out."

"Okay then, how about you?"

"Alright. I will tell you one of my deepest, darkest secrets. I've never told anybody this before." Everybody except for Wesker and Ada leaned in closely. I whispered. "I. Like. Wesker."

Just about everybody face-palmed.

"All this time, I never would've guess!" Chris exclaimed.

"You can't be serious," Leon muttered.

"Oh, but I am!" Chris went on. "Why would you want to hide your feelings like that, Nikki?"

"Chris?"

"Yes?"

"Did your mother drop you on your head as a baby?"

"No. But she did throw me against a wall because I kept crying. Why do you ask?"

"Curiosity. Okay, It's my turn to pick somebody. And I choose Wesker."

"You don't really think that I'm hiding something, do you?"

"I don't know, we'll just have to find out. What's your confession?" Wesker smirked.

**10 minutes later…**

Julie and Claire walked out of the shadows.

"Where's Nikki?" Julie asked.

"I don't know. I think she went to the other room to look for something," Jill answered. Having given up on replacing her popped implant for the moment, her and Leon were sharing the pomegranate.

"Why is it that this pomegranate's warm again?" Leon asked Jill.

"It was in my pocket."

"Leon, why is your hair backwards?" Julie inquired.

"Oh, shit." He fixed it. Claire gasped.

"It's a weave," the newly conscious Ada explained. "Why're you so quiet, Claire? What happened?"

"Julie showed me…things."

"What things?"

"Things like this-" Claire reached into the shadows and pulled out a box. She put it over Leon's head before he could protest. The blood-curdling scream was virtually instantaneous. As Leon screamed, Claire laughed. When Leon got the box off, there were tears streaming down his face.

"Claire how could you?"

"Easily."

"Congratulations, Claire!" Julie praised. "You are now one sadistic fuck!" They high-fived each other.

"That's kind of creepy," Ada commented, backing away.

"Oh, hey, we also got a couple of hobo bologna sandwiches," Claire remembered. "Want one?"

"No thanks," Ada said.

"So." Julie sat down. "Since Nikki's not here at the moment, I have to be the one to start the conversations. What's the first thing you guys are going to do once we let you out?"

"But a nightlight," Leon answered quickly.

"Why?" Claire asked. "The shadows are my best friends!"

"Not mine." Leon's eyes grew wide. "Oh, and I almost forgot! I'll probably see if I can bail Danger out."

"Why would you want to do that? She was an attention whore," Jill scolded.

"Well, we were about to do something before the police barged in…" Leon trailed off and shrugged. "Never mind. What are you going to do Jill?"

"Pay a little visit to a plastic surgeon."

"I know what else I'm going to do," Leon muttered.

"What?"

"Making an appointment to get hair plugs."

"I really never would've guess that your hair wasn't real," Julie said.

"Are you kidding me? Real hair could never be this perfect! Anyways, Claire, what are you going to do when you leave?"

"Julie said she's teach me how to go Hobo Hunting with a sniper rifle!"

A little while later…

"5," Leon started counting down.

"4," Chris said, giddy with excitement.

"3," Claire called from the shadows.

"2," Leon said as he adjusted his "weave."

"One!" Ada practically shouted. Everybody stood up and bolted to the door. Julie was standing in front of it. She turned the knob and pushed the door open.

"wait," Chris stopped everybody. "I though you said the door was barred from the other side?"

"I lied."

"It wasn't even locked?"

"Nope."

"But didn't Leon try to open it?"

Leon cleared his throat. "I kicked it a few times. Usually doors open when I do that."

"So we could've left at any time?!"

"Yup"

Chris stormed out. Leon passed his number out to all of the girls.

"Here, Julie," he said on his way out. "Call me sometime." He winked at her. Julie grabbed his wig and threw it out the door, and he ran after it. Claire, Ada, and Jill left.

"Where the hell is Wesker?" Julie wondered out loud. Just then he walked out of the other room. "There you are!" I thought you'd be the first one out the door. Where are your sunglasses?" Nikki hurried out of the other room holding his sunglasses. He nodded to her and put them on. He was smiling when he walked past Julie and out the door.

"He's in an awfully good mood," Julie observed.

"Julie?"

"Yes?"

"Wesker's a natural blond."

A/N: So, I hope you liked it! As I've told a few reviewers…I'm writing a sequel! It'll still be under the title of Senseless Nonsense, and it'll pick up right where The Apartment left off. But you have to tell me if you liked the ending to the Apartment first or not, you know; don't count your chickens before they hatch and whatnot. If there's anybody you'd like to see in the sequel, speak up now.


	25. Oh, WOW

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, Edward Cullen, Mario, the Burger King, Spongebob, M and M, Whopper, or Big Mac.

**Author's Note: **I just wrote this because I was bored. Keep in mind that this is not an actual chapter of The Apartment or its sequel, it's just kind of a spoof-like thing.

Julie's people dragged five more people (things?) into the apartment. Looking around with bewildered looks on their faces were the Burger King, Edward Cullen, Mario, the reds M and M, and Spongebob Squarepants.

"How is that even possible?" Chris pondered, looking at Spongebob.

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm rea-." Spongebob stopped abruptly and started choking. "Water!" His yellow complexion quickly turned white as he keeled over and died. He quickly turned to dust and flaked away. As the sun streamed through the window, Edward Cullen started sparkling. Julie hisses at the bright light.

"Fuck! He's brighter than a disco ball!" I said and snatched Wesker's sunglasses. "Much better. Hey, I feel cool now!"

"Give me-what the hell is that?" The Burger King was staring at Wesker with its creepy, glazed over, plastic face. Leon took one look at this face of fear and almost pissed himself. Wesker was so mesmerized by the King that he didn't even notice him reaching into his pocket and taking his wallet. He stuck some money in the wallet and put it back.

"Reverse pick-pocketing!" Ada shouted. The King turned and stared at her. "Hey, can I have a Big Mac?" The King's face contorted with rage as he tackled Ada to the ground and stabbed her in the eye with a very hot French fry. Ada screamed. "What'd I do?!"

"Burger King has Whoppers, not Big Macs," Claire explained. There was another scream off in the shadows as Julie started eating the giant M & M. Mario was running around in circles while shouting random, yet somehow obscene-sounding remarks in Italian.

A/N: Very. Random. So. Bored. But do review I'm still working on the first chapter of the sequel, but I've got a few extras done that I'll post first.


	26. Thanks Giving

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil or rage-infected monkeys.

So, we let everybody out of the apartment. This is taking place at a different…well, place. At a different time. Julie's people got Chris, Leon, Ada, Wesker, Jill, and Claire back to another place that we had rented just for this special occasion; Thanksgiving! And after much pissing and moaning, we had finally gotten everybody around a table full of food that Julie had dug out of the shadows.

Just about every Thanksgiving food was laid out. Turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, bread, corn, green bean casserole, etc. And, my favorite, the yams. I had had a mini panic attack when I saw that Julie had forgotten them at first.

Julie and Claire were sitting on the opposite sides of he long table, while Chris, Leon, and Jill were sitting on one of the sides, and Wesker was sitting between me and Ada on the other.

"Okay, wait!" Julie said, as Leon was just about to start digging into the turkey. "We have to have at least a few people say what they're thankful for."

"You should start," I suggested.

"Oh, fine," Julie sighed. "I'm thankful for death, destruction, chaos, kittens, and the waiters I found that work or free because they don't want to die." She clapped her hands. "Waiters! Bring us something to drink from the kitchen! Nikki, your turn."

"Okay. I am thankful for Wesker!" I turned to my left and glomped Wesker. Because of the way his chair was pushed in, he couldn't punch me across the room. So instead he gave me a look of disgust and pried me off, as one would do to road kill on the side of the road. "So, Wesker, what're you thankful for?"

"Absolutely no-oh, wine!" His eyes seemed to glow (actually, they were glowing) as a waiter brought out several bottles of wine and went around filling glasses.

"Aren't you two a bit young to be drinking?" Ada asked me and Julie.

"Relax, it's a holiday. Leon, what're you thankful for?"

"Hair conditioner."

"Chris?"

"Therapists and banana hammocks."

Wesker did a perfect spit take as Chris said this.

"I think you broke Wesker," I giggled.

"I've always wondered what would happen if the two combined," Chris went on. "Like if my therapist were to-"

"Enough!" Wesker shouted. The waiter refilled his glass, so he didn't say anything else.

"Jill, what are you thankful for?" Julie asked.

"I'm thankful for people who accept me for who I am, regardless of how many breasts I have." Chris and Leon both started laughing.

"Whatever you want to believe, one-breasted wonder," Leon said, patting her on the back.

"Alright, whatever. Go ahead and start eating," Julie said. Jill took a turkey breast and stuffed it down her shirt.

"Look, it almost looks normal!" Jill squealed excitedly.

"Until it starts rotting," Julie said. "How do you think it's going to look with maggots all over it?" Jill hurriedly took out the meat and set it on her plate.

"Ada, do you want cranberry sauce?" Leon asked.

"No, I'm extremely allergic to cranberries," Ada said. "Just toching them will make me break out." Just then Chris screamed and darted under the table. Claire's head was sticking out of the turkey.

"What? There are shadows."

"Out of the turkey," Julie ordered.

"Oh, fine." Claire's head disappeared into the turkey and she reappeared out of the shadows in the corner of the room. Leon jumped up.

"Chris!" There was a giggling from under the table. "He got my zipper!" Leon stood up and zipped his fly.

"Chris, if you come anywhere near me, I will break every bone in your body," Wesker warned, sounding a little bit slurred.

"Are you drunk?" I asked him.

"No."

"How much have you had to drink?"

"Not enough to put up with you people." A waiter refilled his glass.

"Oh, you're no fun," I said. I put a bit of cranberry sauce on my spoon and flung it at him. He leaned back and it hit Ada instead.

"My eye!" Ada screamed. "It burns!" Her whole face started turning red and blotchy. She couldn't see, but she picked up a turkey leg and threw it in my direction. She missed by a long shot and hit Julie, who was on her like a rage-infected monkey. Somehow Chris got kicked under the table, so he darted out. Everybody else just sat back and watched Julie pummel a very puffy Ada, while Ada screamed obscenities at me.

"Happy times," Wesker said, taking a sip from his wine glass.

"This is almost as entertaining as what they had us do for Halloween," Jill said, amused.

"Oh, don't get me started on that," I said, half listening to them, half listening to Ada shout things that I didn't even know were real words until just now.

**A/N: Thank you, person reviewer who gave me the idea **** I hope this was up to your expectations, please review (everybody) Don't ask about any timeline, because I've no idea how this fits in there.**


	27. Sequel Sort of Thing to The Apartment 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil or Nerf.

Julie and I were sitting on the couch talking about five minutes after everybody had left. Julie had the same horrified look on her face that she'd had when Wesker left. I had had to talk her into not getting me spayed. There was a knock on the door.

"Uh…come in?" Julie called. Chris ran into the room with Wesker's phone.

"Quick, listen to this!" He pushed a button and a voicemail played.

"Sir, I don't know why you're not picking up, but you need to leave the city immediately. A crazy hobo with a bomb strapped to his back ran into the plant screaming something about a stolen bologna sandwich and blew himself and the plant up. Sir…the experimental T-virus got out. The city will be eradicated in a few hours. For the exact time, call Birken." Just then Wesker zoomed in and snatched his phone away from Chris.

"Can't keep your mouth shut, can you?"

"You were just going to let us blow up?!" Jill exclaimed incredulously, running in with Claire and Leon.

"Yes, actually."

"Kinky," I said as Julie face-palmed next to me. Wesker gave me an exasperated look.

"How an you possibly…we just…oh, never mind," Wesker sighed.

"So, how are we going to do this?" Leon asked. "A free-for-all to get out of town, or are we going together?" Wesker was dialing a number on his phone and put it to his ear.

"William?…No, I'm still here…When?…That's plenty of time…You caught Annette doing what?…Ah, who…So sorry…No, I didn't mean that, did I?…Uhuh." He hung up. "There's plenty of time to get out of the blast radius."

"How much time?"

"Enough."

"Right, then," I chuckled. "We stand more of a chance if we stick-" Wesker walked out "-together. Wait for us!"

"We'll be back," Julie said as she and Claire sank into the shadows.

"Alright. Leon, Chris, Jill; to the Winchester!"

"Yes, to the-wait, what?" Leon scratched his weave.

"I mean…what do I mean?" I thought for a moment. "How about we just follow wesker and go from there?"

"Yeah, sure, why no," Chris said.

"Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert, Albert!" I shouted, running down the hallway to catch up. Wesker stopped, sighed, and turned around.

"You haven't earned the right to call me by my first name."

"What?! Remember that thing I did in the other room, where I put your-"

"Listen!" Wesker said in a loud whisper. There were moaning sounds coming from behind the doors on either side of the hall. Leon, Chris, and Jill appeared behind me.

"It's like college all over again," Jill mused.

"Except in college they didn't eat your face off," Leon commented.

"I don't know, there was this one guy-"

"Zombies!" I interrupted. "There's fucking zombies in here!"

"Calm down, Nikki, you don't want to-" Leon stopped in mid-sentence as the zombies all started thumping on the doors simultaneously. "Shit. Let's just keep moving." We all started towards the elevator, me clinging to Wesker all the while.

"Why are you people following me?" Wesker asked, annoyed.

"Well, you seem to have a plan," Jill answered. "Besides, we wouldn't know how to deal with her." She pointed to me.

"And I do?"

Jill shrugged. Wesker shook his head and pushed the button for the elevator.

"I'm surprised the power's working," Chris said. When the doors opened, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Julie was standing inside.

"There's a few zombies in the entrance down there," she cautioned.

"Fuck!"

"Calm down, Nikki. There's bound to be a lot more, and maybe even other B.O.W.'s, so you'll have to get used to it.

"Where's Claire?" Chris asked.

"She's off zombie hobo sniping. She's a natural."

"Wait, um…I think we're forgetting something," I said.

"What's that?"

"My brothers."

"Oh, they're probably dead, don't worry," Wesker said.

"As reassuring as that was, I need to stop back at my house. Julie left them tied up in my yard."

"How far away is it?" Leon asked.

"A few blocks."

"Well, I'll help you go get them," Jill volunteered. "I'm not leaving two little kids behind. How much time do we have, Wesker?"

"13 hours."

"There's enough time, then."

"Had anybody seen Ada?" Leon asked.

"Not since we let you guys out of the apartment," I said. "She probably doesn't even know the town's going to be blown up."

Outside the streets were surprisingly empty and quiet. Good thing, too, because if I had to go face-to-face with a zombie, I'd probably freak out and start bitch-slapping it while it ate my face off.

"Nikki, are you coming?" Julie was leading the way in the direction of my house.

"Yeah, I'm coming!"

Wesker was coming with us. I figured it was mostly because if Chris got attacked and eaten, he wanted to be there to see it. "Hey, Wesker, what are you thinking about?"

"Honestly…I was thinking about how delightful it would be to see Chris sliced to ribbons, and those pajamas of his soaked in his blood."

I giggled. It was weird seeing Chris walking down the street wearing his baby blue cloud pajamas.

Once we arrived at my backyard, the sight we were greeted with shocked us all Except Wesker. There was a puddle of blood surrounding a pile of rope near a large tree, and…a small arm. An arm that once belonged to a little boy. Julie inspected the rope and the arm.

"They've both been gnawed on."

"Zombies ate my brothers! Of all the-"

"Oh, well. Let's go." Wesker was already walking away. "There'll be time for you to miss them later."

Just then Chris fell to the ground. "I've been hit!" There was a Nerf gun dart stuck to his forehead by a suction cup. We heard a giggling from up in the tree, and we looked up. Logan and Matthew high-fived each other from the first branch of the tree. Only where Matthew's right arm should have been, there was a fly swatter stuck into the bloody stump where his arm should have been. Logan had Nerf darts strapped across his chest, and they both held Nerf guns. The climbed down.

"What the hell happened to your arm?!" Leon asked Matthew as he helped Chris up.

"Julie tied us up, so I chewed off my arm to get free," he explained, as if it were a normal every day thing.

"And once we were loose," Logan continued, "-we had to find something to replace his arm, so I figured it might as well be something useful." Matthew moved the nub where his arm used to be to swat at a fly. "See? I'm a genius, I tell ya!"

"Where's everybody else?" I asked.

"Some siren went off and they all left,' Logan said.

"Great, we've found them, so let's go," Wesker said impatiently.

"One second," Julie said. She grabbed Logan and Matthew by the back of their shirts and pulled them into the shadows under the tree. When she came back, Claire was with her.

"Wait…" Jill trailed off.

"What?"

"Why don't you just pull us through the shadows and out of the town?"

"Because I don't want to. And if I don't want to do something, neither do the shadows."

Jill was about to say something else, but just then a crooked combat knife flew between them and stuck into the tree.

**A/N: **Jesus, it's taking me a while to get the motivation to finish these fuckers. Wait, Jesus…hm, that's a good idea. Anyways, moving on. I've been trying to sleep for the past 4 hours, so I figured I might as well write more. I realized that I've never really described what Julie and I physically look like. So what I'd like you readers to do is maybe tell me what you picture us as, and then I'll possibly include a description of what we look like in the next chapter. I didn't get very many reviews on the last few chapters, so I've been slower than usual. Tell me what you think, constructive critisism is always welcome, and I'm open to suggestions. Danka und guten nacht.


	28. Sequel Sort of Thing to The Apartment 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Resident Evil or Band-Aid

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for your reviews! **Alright, before I give a description of Nikki and Julie, I must say, I didn't know so many readers didn't know the characters were actually based on me and my friend Julie XD Anywho. Don't call us Sue's, because these are our actual unglorified descriptions. Julie's hair is brown and comes to just above her shoulders. She's very tall, and her eyes are cobalt blue. Nikki's hair is blond and goes to just past her shoulders. She is extremely pale, and her eyes change colors between blue and green. Julie's hair is slightly wavy, and Nikki's is straight. And they're both white, goddammit it! XD There ya go.

Jack Krauser strutted across my backyard and pulled the knife out of the tree.

"I thought you were zombies,' he said.

"Whoa," I remarked.

"What?"

"You have a very manly voice," I admired.

"You'll have to excuse Nikki," Wesker called from where he was leaning on the side of my garage. "She doesn't quite understand the concept of keeping her thoughts to herself."

"Krauser, what are you doing here?" Leon asked.

"I was sent to make sure he got out," Krauser nodded at Wesker.

'I don't need your help," Wesker said.

"That's what I tried to tell them. They wouldn't listen. Who are these other people?"

"I'm Nikki," I said. "And these are Jill, Julie, Chris, and Claire." I pointed to each one as I said their names.

"Nice pajamas," Krauser smirked at Chris. "Anyways, we have to move out. Wesker, are they coming with us?"

He started to answer, but then looked at Julie, who was glaring at him. He rolled his eyes. "Yes."

"That's what I thought," Julie muttered.

"What's going on?" I asked her.

"I'll tell you later. Let's go."

"So," I said. "Just exactly where are we going?"

"There's a chopper waiting for us not too far from here," Krauser explained.

"HELP!" We all looked up to see who had let out that blood-curdling scream. A man sprinted down the middle of the street to us with a zombie hot on his heels. When he got to us, he dove right through us and hit the ground hard. I cowered behind Wesker as he raised his gun and shot the zombie between the eyes. It crumpled to the ground.

"Good game," I said, hitting Wesker on the ass. He winced, but otherwise ignored me and walked away.

"Where did you come from? Wasn't most of the town evacuated?" Leon interrogated the man on the ground.

"I-I," the man stuttered. "I saw a helicopter land, so I made my way over to it hoping for a ride. I was making model airplanes in my basement and didn't hear the evacuation going on."

"What a nerd," Chris muttered, picking a piece of lint off of his cloud pajamas.

"Shut up!" Krauser snapped at him. "You were saying? About the helicopter?"

"Right. When I got there, I saw a woman in red kill the pilot, and she took off with it."

"Shit!" Krauser cursed. "The bitch in the red dress."

"Ada," Leon agreed.

"You gotta save me, I don't wanna die!" the man pleaded, starting to cry.

"You're pathetic," Wesker sneered, walking over to where he was sprawled out on the ground and pointing his gun at the man's head. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right here." The man squeaked and passed out.

"Back! Give me some room!" Julie demanded, pushing everybody else out of the way. She held a syringe of clear liquid in her hand. Wesker backed up, in case it was sedatives.

"What's that?" Jill asked. "Is that going to wake him up?"

"No. It's super-strength bleach," Julie replied with an evil grin on her face. She pushed the needle into the man's neck and pushed the plunger. Claire giggled a few feet away as the man jolted up, screaming. He jumped to his feet and ran circles around everybody while itching his skin off. He finally ended up gouging his own eyes out.

"Holy shit," Leon said. Julie walked over to the body and started laughing. She laughed so hard that she had to sit down, or else she'd fall.

Now, before I go any further, let me explain this next bit. I've known Julie for years, and never once has she laughed this much. It's impossible for Julie to truly be happy, therefore if she ever were to be happy, the space-time continuum would rupture, making the impossible possible. This particular lapse of Julieness resulted in temporary personality changes in some people.

When Julie was done laughing, she fell to the ground, unconscious. And apparently the bleached man's screaming attracted some attention, because a zombie was walking towards us. Claire reached for the gun in Krauser's side holster, and there was a bit of a skirmish before Krauser let go of the gun and stared at his hand with a horrified look on his face.

"I…broke a nail!" he shouted in his very manly voice.

"Oh, boy," I said. "Here we go. Julie'd better wake up soon." Claire aimed the gun at the zombie coming towards us and fired. A big chunk of it's head flew off, and brains splattered on the pavement. Then we literally saw the shadows flow out of Claire. Her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped.

"What did I just do?!" She dropped the gun and ran over to the zombie she'd just shot. "I'm so sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" She started scooping the brains up off the street and cramming them into the twice-dead man's open skull. "I'm sure once we get this back in there, all you'll need is a Band-Aid and you'll be right as rain!"

"Claire's back," I said.

"Yeah, but what happened?" Leon asked. "And-Krauser, are you crying?"

"No-no!" Krauser stammered, wiping his eyes. "But look! I broke a nail!"

"What's going on?" Leon questioned. "Wesker, are you any different?"

"No."

"Do you wanna go bang in the bushes?" I asked him.

"No."

"Yep, he's the same. Chris, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. In fact, I feel great." Chris tore off his cloud pajamas, and Leon shielded his eyes with his arm.

"Jesus, no! Chris, put your clothes back on!"

"Look," I told Leon. "It's okay." Leon peeked out over his arm. Chris was in his "Safari" costume, complete with zebra jacket and pants.

"Chris, what the hell are you wearing?" Jill demanded.

"Don't question my outfit! It represents my manliness! Do you have any idea how many zebras had to die for this?" He pointed to his jacket.

"Alright. Julie, time to wake up!" I walked over to her and pulled her up by her arms. She didn't wake up, but a few things fell out of her jacket.

"What are those?" Claire asked, wiping her slimy, bloody hands on Chris' discarded cloud pajamas.

"Well, there's a chainsaw with some intestines stuck to it, some cat treats, and a book called 'If Caesar Did it, Why Can't I?' Wait…there's something else here, too." There was an arm sticking out. " Chris, do you want to help me with this?"

"I'll do it myself," he said. "Because I'm brave." He grabbed the arm sticking out of Julie's jacket and pulled.

"Jesus Christ!" Jill exclaimed.

"That's me." Jesus sat a few feet away from where he had just been pulled out of Julie's jacket.

"What were you doing in there?" Claire shrieked.

"Ponder this, my child. What wasn't I doing in there?"

"I don't know. But Jesus- Mr. Christ-I'm your biggest fan! I'm a fan of your work, too. You know, peace, love, happiness."

"Interesting." Jesus adjusted his robes. "So, tell me, my child. Do you know where your messiah could find a fix?"

"A what?"

"That's not Jesus," Julie said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "It's a drug dealer who looks like him. His name is Carl. Carl, back into the jacket." She held it open. Carl shrugged and dove into the shadows. "What happened, Nikki?"

"You were happy."

"Oh. Well, let's not let that happen again."

"My pajamas!" Chris cried, scooping the bloody, torn up rags off of the ground. "Nooooo!" Krauser just cleared his throat and picked his gun up off of the ground, putting it back in it's holster.

"Anyways," Jill started. "Since the helicopter's gone, we could try the Ecliptic Express lines. They run straight through the middle of town, and there might be a train there."

**A/N: **Had to have Krauser say "Bitch in the red dress." It's Matthew's favorite line. Also, I know I may have talked about bringing Alfred back before, but I don't think I'm going to. I've sort of lost the heart for making fun of him. Remember to review:) Fuck, almost forgot…See, I'd like to add another temporary OC Wesker fan to the story, but I don't know anybody else. Would any of you people be up for letting me put ya in here?

Oh! And I hope you don't mind a mini-rant, but…Darkside Chronicles = LOVE! It could have been a bit longer, and there were certain features I missed from Umbrella Chronicles, but it was awesome! I highly recommend it. Though, I have to say this… (Mini Spoiler Alert) After the final scene with Krauser, and it shows Wesker standing on the canyon-thing with binoculars…he could have used a shave. C'mon, he had the creepy rapist-stubble of a mustache on his upper lip!


	29. Sequel Sort of Thing to The Apartment 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, "The cake is a lie", Michael Jackson, The Thriller

Author's Note: Yeah, it's been a while. And I hope you people got fangasms when you saw that I updated. My notes were and are disorganized, and I've no idea of what I said I'd be doing. But, here.

Wesker, Krauser, Chris, Claire, Leon, Jill, and Julie and I were walking past a church when we heard muttering coming from inside. We all stopped, and Leon rolled his eyes.

"I swear, every time a town gets run down by zombies, there's some sort of cult" he said, exasperated.

"We, let's check it out," Claire suggested.

"No. We keep going," Wesker said.

"You keep moving. I'm going in."

"What if there's zombies?" I shrieked. But Claire had already opened the door. Inside the church, on the opposite wall, was a wooden Jesus on a cross. Only where it's face should have been, there was a picture of Wesker's face taped over it. Kneeling in front of it was a girl, who stood up and turned around when she heard the door open. She was rather short and chubby, with brown hair and brown eyes. She had a rifle strapped across her back, and her shirt read "#1 Wesker Fan."

"Your shirt is a lie!" I shouted, jumping on one of the pews and pointing an accusatory finger. Wesker was just outside, out of sight.

"Your cake is a lie!" the girl shouted.

"My...what?"

"Yeah. I don't know. What's wrong with my shirt? It's right. Or did you not just see me worship my messiah."

"Your messiah?"

"Yep." She stepped forward and shook my hand. "Charlotte Hill's the name, pain and chocolate is my game. That, and when I pretend my dog's Wesker and stick a banana-"

"What." Everybody else filed inside. The girl fainted when she saw Wesker.

"Can we leave now?" Jill asked.

"Uh. Sure. That was weird," I said. Wesker just shook his head and left. Everybody else followed.

"So, Wesker, popular with the ladies, I see," Chris commented. "So am I."

"Drag queens don't count!" Leon shouted from where he was bringing up the rear.

"I wasn't-"

"One-breasted girls don't count, either."

"...Oh."

"Quiet!" Julie hollered. "Listen."

"I don't...what's that?" Krauser asked.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," I swore. A zombie stumbled out of an ally a few yards ahead. "What, is that-"

"Michael Jackson?" Jill finished. The zombie looked up at us. He was a pasty white with jaw-length black hair, and was wearing a red jumpsuit and moonboots. His nose was completely gone (not that he had much of a nose when he was living)

"I got this," Julie assured, and pulled two sawblades out of the shadows of her jacket. Michael Jackson looked up, and started towards us just as Julie threw the blades. They cut clean through his knees, cutting the bottom portions of his legs ogg.

"Nice aim," Leon complimented.

"Thanks."

The zombie moaned and started pushing himself up with his arms. Somehow is managed to balance on his stubs of legs, and started running at us. Every time one of his "legs" hit the ground, he made a "huh" sound. "HUH, HUH, HUH!"

"Oh my god!" I screamed as everybody started sprinting away. Everybody but Wesker. "Let's go!" I urged, pulling him by the arm. "MICHAEL JACKSON IS CHASING US ON HIS NUBS!"

Wesker moved, rolling his eyes.

"HUH, HUH, HUH!"

We took a few turns, and eventually hit a deadend.

"Why the hell is there this conveniently placed brick wall?" Chris shouted.

"HUH, HUH, HUH!"

We heard it, but we didn't see it. Then is stopped, and music started playing out of nowhere. we were all backed against the wall. (except for Wesker, who probably couldn't have cared less)

Zombie Michael Jackson appeared, walking on his nubs. And he wasn't alone. There were at least a dozen other zombies shuffling along behind him.

"How the hell did that happen?" Chris exclaimed.

"Stop questioning everything," Julie said, mildly annoyed. "They probably heard it and followed."

Then the zombies started doing something odd. Their shoulders were twitching, and every so often their heads would jerk to the side. And then they started dancing.

INSERT THRILLER DIALOGUE

"Wait, that's..." Leon started with a confused look.

"Let's just go," Wesker said, and shot all of the zombies in the head is a span of 30 seconds.

"How did you do that?" I wondered out loud.

"It wouldn't have taken so long if I hadn't had to reload," Wesker scoffed. "And it's a lot easier to do things without you sticking a needle full of sedatives up my ass all the time. And make no mistake, I will get you back for that."

"Are you going to stick something up my-"

"Don't get your hopes up."

"Awkward conversation," Krauser interrupted, shuddering. "Let's get going."

Afternote: Reviews keep me going


	30. Sequel Sort of Thing to The Apartment 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, the meatball song, Girlscout, or it's cookies.

Wesker, Krauser, Chris, Claire, Leon, Jill, and Julie and I were walking past the jailhouse when we hear a loud singing.

_"I had a poor meatball, all covered in cheese, I lost my poor meatball, when somebody sneezed!" _

"Another survivor?" Jill wondered, running through the doorway to the jail.

"C'mon, Wesker, let's see what's going on," I said, pulling him by the hand into the building He jerked his hand away and walked past me. "You suck." He pivoted on one heel suddenly so he was facing me as everybody else filed into the jail.

"If memory serves, you're the one who sucks," he said with a smirk, and walked away into the jail.

"Wait!" I exclaimed, running after him. "Did you just make a joke?" He spared me a sidelong glance, but kept walking. "Wesker, stop being so bipolar."

We stopped in front of a jail cell, where everybody else was gathered. Inside the cell was Danger, clinging to the bars.

"Did you get my message?" she whispered urgently, pointing.

"What..." Claire trailed off as she looked over to where she was pointing. There was a large puddle, and in the middle of the puddle was an empty whiskey bottle with a message inside. "Oh, a message in a bottle." Claire stooped down, picked up the bottle, took the paper out of it, and read it out loud. "Help. Need more weed."

"Forget her, let's go," Julie said.

"Wait, no! Don't leave me!" Everybody started walking out. Apparently nobody cared enough about her to feel bad about condemning her to explode with the town. "Leon, come on! You can't do this!"

"Why not?"

"You still owe me twenty bucks!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, blushing. Jill pushed him out of the door.

"Who was that loon?" Krauser asked once we were outside.

"We'll tell you about it once we get out of here," Chris said. Once we had started moving again, Julie and I were bringing up the rear.

"I wonder why Wesker's letting everybody tag along with him and Krauser," I said to her once nobody else was paying attention.

"Yeah, about that. I'm sort of blackmailing him."

"What? How? Why?"

"Well, I'm doing it so that we can all get out of here. And remember what you were doing right before we let everybody out of the apartment?"

"Yes...where are you going with this?"

"Well, I had cameras everywhere in the corners of the rooms that caught everything. And I mean everything. Don't worry, I haven't even watched it. But I got it on tape and I told Wesker I'd show it to everybody if he didn't stay with us."

"Great. Just great. I don't approve." I glanced at Wesker, who was talking quietly to Krauser at the front of the group.

"What are you two talking about?" Chris asked Krauser suspiciously. Wesker turned around and glared at him.

"Nothing that concerns you."

I yawned loudly. "Wow, this is boring." Leon walked over and whispered something in my ear. "Oh, that's a good idea, Leon."

"What?" Julie asked. I didn't answer, but I snuck up behind Chris and pulled his pants down to his ankles.

"I've been pantsed!" he shouted as he tripped and fell. Everybody stopped and stared.

"Chris...is that my underwear?" Jill asked, concerned.

"No!" Chris hurriedly pulled up his pants. Leon was dying of laughter.

"But they were pink. And lacy," Jill went on.

"Just drop it," Chris said, continuing on. "At least I'm not a woman with one tit." Jill fell silent.

"You know, I was going to pants Wesker, but he doesn't wear any-" Wesker silenced me with a glare.

"Any what?" Julie inquired when everybody was preoccupied.

"Guess."

Julie's eye twitched. "My mind's eye!"

Everybody in front of us stopped suddenly.

"Who the hell is that?" Chris asked. Julie and I looked up to see what he was talking about. There was a man in a dark blue cloak with a bandanna around the lower portion if his face, standing in front of us.

"Oh, I know who that is," Leon declared. "That's the merchant."

"What're ya buyin', strangah?" the merchant asked in a gravelly voice.

"Got any rocket-launchers?" Julie inquired.

"No. I don't sell weaponry anymore. I got some new products that might interest ya. Them's where the money's at."

"What?"

"I'm currently in the girlscout cookie business. I got shortbread, thin mint, butter yums..."

"Deja' vu. Can I have some thin mints?"

"Sure." The merchant opened his cloak up, to reveal that all he was wearing was a banana hammock.

"AGH, mad flasher!" Claire screamed, running down the street. We left the merchant standing there, got Claire, and started back on our way.

A/N: Reviews are the only reason I continue. Also as a side note, I have not written Senseless Nonsense for a year or so. What I'm posting is shenanigans that I have already written. I'm not sure how well it'll turn out if I decide to get back to writing it...


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